Brotherhood
by Tomo Potter
Summary: NaNoWriMo 2008 novel. Remus has been having some rather... odd dreams about Sirius. What could they mean? RLSB, slash, swearing, BAD writing. It was NaNo.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Surprise! My original NaNo novel didn't work out, so I restarted halfway through day one, and wrote a Sirius/Remus fic, since it's what I'm best at. Woot! And now you all get fifty thousand beautiful words of Moony and Padfoot goodness. Feel loved, or what? (Because I do love you, almost as much as I love my beautiful, beautiful boys.)

Warning: Slash, swearing, sexual references, ect.

Disclaimer: Characters are JK Rowling's. God bless her and her beautiful, beautiful mind. I love this woman. (Almost as much as I love you!)

Dedicated: To my very own Sirius, rainbowxcrayons. She is a goddess of awesome. Also to Atria/Maiden Angel, who actually let me RP Sirius/Remus with her after three years, ZOMG. YAY. And to Andeh, who was going to do NaNo, but just read my novel instead. And to matthewfrommauritius, who didn't do NaNo this year. Burn. And to Hannah/HanieFace. I love you, darling.

Note: I have, in fact, 50,529 words of this written. I'm going to have to edit the worst bits right out though, so chances are you might wind up with maybe like half that much.

Oh, and I warn you in advance; I was going for quantity, not quality when writing this. (For those who don't know, the aim of NaNoWriMo is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, so I was pretty pressed for time and wasn't able to sit down and write something amazing.) It's not the best thing I've ever written, by a long shot. It's good enough to post though, in my opinion, so keep in mind my quantity not quality approach when you're reading.

**Brotherhood**

"I want to kiss you so badly right now."

"That's nice Sirius."

"I'm serious, Moony. My love for you burns eternally, like some kind of annoying, impossible to blow out prank candle. I am going to kiss you now."

"Padfoot, it's just-Mmph! Gross, Sirius, you actually kissed me! For god's sakes, it's just an essay." Remus Lupin, otherwise known as Moony, Marauder, werewolf, and homework-doer extraodinare wiped the slobber off his mouth, giving his best friend, Sirius Black, a disgusted look.

"Ah, loosen up Moony, me old girl. By doing that homework, you've saved me the whipping of a lifetime from old McGonagall. Not that I would have especially minded, that woman is a fox, but it's nice knowing my beautiful arse is safe to dazzle millions another day." Sirius beamed, resting his head idly on Remus' shoulder, reading the essay quickly again. "God, I don't even know what half this shit means. You're an utter peach."

"Thanks for the mental pictures, Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes. "The image of McGonagall in leather will haunt me forever. I will never go to her classes again."

"Oh, you're so English and sexually repressed. Why, that mental picture will last me many a long and lonely winter night. I will cuddle it as I go to bed, and kiss it in many soft, private places." Sirius grinned.

"You're horrible, you know that? Absolutely bloody horrible." Remus rolled his eyes, standing up and dropping Sirius' head unceremoniously onto his bed, upon which they were sitting. "I'm going to bed. Where I will not be thinking of teachers in leather, or anyone at all for that matter, other than my one true love, the sandman."

"Oh really? You've got a thing for dream men then?" Sirius grinned, sitting up unperturbed. "Bringing you lots of good, exciting dreams?"

"Yes." Remus said dryly. "Every night I wait for him to come to me. The sand in the eyes is in fact a huge turn on. He and I screw all night in my head."

"Kinky. Can I join?"

"Bring your own sand." Remus smirked, opening his trunk and looking for pyjamas.

"Hot stuff. I'd offer for you to come over to my dreams, but you're already there every night."

"You charmer." Remus smiled. "That line's so good, that I might just sleep with you now."

"Really?" Sirius beamed, excitedly.

"Actually, it was pathetically cheesy. I wouldn't try it on a bird, if I were you."

"You wouldn't try anything on a bird, Moony. Except maybe 'Ahh ermm... could I maybe borrow a... errr quill? Mine seems to have ahhh... snapped. Ummm thanks....' Maybe that sandman thing wasn't too far from home."

"Sod off." Remus rolled his eyes, removing his tie and starting on his shirt buttons. "You're one to talk, Mr. Fetish For Hair Products."

"Shut up. I don't find them sexually appealing or anything, I just like them." Sirius blushed.

"You have over ten different products! And your hair looks like shit, anyway."

"It does not! Girls love the scruffy, rebellious look. I'm a babe magnet."

"You look like a poofter!"

"At least I'm not like James, all 'Ooooh look, look, I'm so masculine and athletic, I can let my hair look like a bloody bird's nest.' It's nineteen seventy nine, Remus, the messy, androgynous look is on the way in. I'm just a little ahead of my time, I thank you very much."

"English librarian is never on it's way in." Remus said gloomily, undoing the last button on his shirt and tugging it off.

"That's because English Librarians are stuffy, and even if any of their Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends do drag them to a good party, they just sit in a corner going 'umm, errr,' and drinking pumpkin juice. Even if they do look damn nice without a shirt on."

"Sure about that whole not gay thing, Sirius?" Remus raised an eyebrow, removing his trousers. "English Librarians have more sense than said Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends, thank you very much indeed. And English Librarians are useful, because they help out said Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends with late essays when necessary. Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends would be getting whipped by Leather-Clad Professors left, right, and centre otherwise."

"Ouch, Moony! Not centre! I wanna be able to shit again in future, thank you!"

"Thank youfor that, Sirius. I was hoping not to vomit before bedtime tonight, thanks."

"Ahh, you secretly enjoy my grossness." Sirius grinned, watching Remus slip on pyjama pants.

"Not especially." Remus said. "It's actually a bit of an annoyance. After all, English Librarians enjoy reading, and books just aren't much fun when Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends make us chuck all over them."

"The Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friend would make a witty comeback, but he's distracted by watching the English Librarian getting dressed."

"The English Librarian finds this creepy, and is going to sleep now." Remus slid on a night shirt, and got into bed. "Night, Padfoot."

"Nighty night, Moonster. Hopefully me and my deliciously leather-clad McGonagall won't keep you up."

"Please don't even say it. My beloved sandman awaits." Remus closed the curtains on his four poster, and had barely shut his eyes, when Sirius let out a loud moan of 'Oh, Minerva! Spank it! I've been a bad puppy, yeah, yeah!' Remus groaned, and sat up slightly.

"Shut the bloody hell up Sirius, or I'll test our next prank on your junk!"

Sirius yelped, and then there was finally a silence, for the English Librarian to slip gently into sleep.

000

"Remus!" Sirius yelled, and Remus turned to face him. Something was wrong though, and it took him a moment to realise just what.

"Sirius, you're wearing makeup. And a dress." Remus said quizzically, wondering why the walls of their dormitory were made of cheese.

"I know, isn't it neat? These stilettos really make my legs look sexy." Sirius beamed, doing a twirl and flicking his even longer hair all around. "Androgyny's reaching new levels, and I look just darling!" His lipstick was really a hideous shade of bright red. Oddly enough it suited Sirius though. Brought out his eyeliner.

"I'm really tired, Sirius." Remus sighed, suddenly realising that he was. "I may be wearing clothes made of pudding, but I need to get some sleep nonetheless. Help me figure out how to get the pudding off."

"I could lick it all off?" Sirius grinned, and Remus eyed him.

"Just kidding. It's gone already, see?"

Remus looked down, and found it was quite true, he was stark naked.

"I can't sleep like this!"

"Here, borrow my trousers. I'll never need them again!" Sirius said gleefully, tossing Remus a pair of tight black trousers. Shrugging, Remus pulled them on, and slid into bed.

"Ugh, it's full of sand!" Remus said in disgust, trying to brush it off, only to find that his whole bed was now made of sand.

"I know, doesn't it turn you on?" Sirius said, crawling on top of Remus, dressed now inexplicably in some horrible thing made of leather.

"Umm... not especially. I just want to sleep, Sirius. Would you mind getting off?" It took him a split second - or was it hours? - to realise what he had said.

"Of course I wouldn't mind, just didn't reckon you were into that kind of thing." Sirius beamed, and Remus rolled his eyes and shoved him off onto the other side of the bed.

"Spoil spo-oh shit!" Sirius had started to sink into the sand of Remus' bed, sand that somehow stretched for miles, and yet was contained entirely within the confines of the bed all at once. Sirius grabbed Remus' hand in panic, and Remus found himself sinking into the sand as well, gasping in shock. The sand was gooey, but sand textured at the same time. Both boys were encased in seconds - or was it a lifetime? - and the only thing Remus could tell wasn't some horrible illusion was Sirius' hand, warm and sticky in his. Very sticky. Like it was covered in honey.

"Sirius?" He said, wondering how he expected Sirius to hear him through all this - and for that matter how he was speaking at all... "Have you been eating honey with your bare hands?"

"Of course!" Sirius grinned. "I'm Winnie the Pooh!"

"Oh god." Remus sighed, then paused. "And I think I'm Boromir of Gondor."

"How odd." Sirius mused. "I think I need new hairspray."

000

Remus was woken at this point by Sirius spraying his scented hairspray in his face.

"Plttttttthht, gross Sirius! God, you're a freak!"

"And a good morning to you too, Moony, my darling late riser. James and Pete are already downstairs at breakfast. Were you too busy enjoying your wonderful dreams of me?"

"Actually, you were there." Remus said, sitting up and rubbing his face tiredly. "You were in a dress and makeup, only then you were in leather, and you were lying on my bed, and we got absorbed by sand. I think."

"You're a weird one, Remus Lupin." Sirius smiled affectionately. "Now get the hell up. You look like you spent the night in a blender. A blender full of soft but violent pillows."

"How did you know about my bedtime habits, Black?" Remus asked, tumbling out of his bed and onto the floor. "Ooof." He added.

"I watch you sleep. Going round in your pillow blender, the sweetest look of serenity on your face. It's all I can to do resist coming in there myself." Sirius swooned.

"How incredibly non terrifying that statement was." Remus said, voice muffled and warped by the fact that half of his face was mushed against the floor.

"Oh really? Wasn't I trying hard enough?" Sirius pouted, and Remus aimed a kick at him, which of course missed. "Ahh, come on Moony. Time to get up. Morning has broken and all that. Time to get ready for classes, I doubt you'll have much time for breakfast now."

"Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Remus said, sitting up and rubbing his face. "Okay. Okay. I'm up." His fingers caught slightly, as ever, on the three bold scars running across his face. For a second, Remus had a blinding urge to chase down whatever son of a bitch had done this to him, and kill them violently, but it passed, as all such urges pass in English Librarian types; tragically unfulfilled.

"Atta boy, Moony. What ho and all that. Delicious buttered toast awaits!"

"Thought it was too late for breakfast." Remus said groggily, sliding his night shirt off.

"Lied. You know James, Pete and I get up obnoxiously early. Sleep is for lesser mortals. The rest of Gryffindor I'd wager are brushing their toothiepegs right about now. Have at!"

"I will kill you." Remus growled, rummaging through his trunk for clothes, not having bothered to get off the floor yet.

"If it wasn't for me, you'd sleep through all your classes." Sirius said placidly.

"I'm nocturnal, remember." Remus said back, trying to tug off his pyjama pants while still sitting, and doing a terrible job of it. "Werewolf?"

"No excuse. You'd be lost without your Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friend."

"I would indeed. After all, English Librarian Werewolves must never miss a class I suppose, no matter how tired they may be from a night of frolicking with Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friend The Dog. And as I'm not tired from that at present, there's really no excuse."

"There really isn't." Sirius shook his head.

"Up I get then." Remus dragged himself up, looking in his trunk for fresh underpants.

"Bravo, Moony! You've discovered feet! We're all very very proud of you indeed."

"I'm sure you are, Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes, pulling on the clean pants and looking for trousers. "I'm truly touched."

"Doesn't sound particularly true. I may have to actually touch you, just to be on the safe side."

"No thanks, Sirius. No talk of touching until I at least have trousers on, or I may start suspecting you are a bloody fairy after all." Remus fished out a dirty pair of James' trousers that had somehow found their way into his trunk, and tossed them at James' bed.

"Well who wouldn't want to touch someone so glorious?"

"Try everybody." Remus rolled his eyes, pulling on a pair of his own trousers.

"Everybody is fools. Are fools? MOONY! GRAMMAR HELP!" Sirius whined.

"Everybody is a fool." Remus sighed, looking now for a clean shirt.

"Everybody is a fool. Moony, where would I be without you?"

"Probably lost in a stew of your own bad grammar, somewhere in Borneo, or one of those places where they eat people who don't know the difference between a verb and a Proverb." Remus smirked, pulling the shirt on and doing up the buttons, then grabbing the first robes he saw.

"I do too! A verb's a bible thingy, and a Proverb's a... doing word, right?"

"Other way around." Remus smiled, fastening the robe around his neck. "Very close though."

"Oh whatever. Not planning on being an English Librarian anytime soon, so I reckon I'll be good. Ready to go, Moony?"

"Gotta brush my teeth. You made me forget last night, and my mouth tastes like pudding died in it."

"Pudding can die?" Sirius asked, following Remus into the bathroom and watching him as he prepared his toothbrush. "I thought it was already dead... killed tragically by pudding hunters in the middle east."

"Actually it's just made of milk and flavouring and stuff. No killing involved. But it does tend to die in your mouth if you don't brush your teeth." Remus said, then began methodically scrubbing his mouth.

"I prefer my story of pudding hunters. It sounds like a pretty interesting job. I believe I shall become a pudding hunter when I leave Hogwarts. I'll go out into the wild and chase the pudding along as it goes 'WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE' through the deserts, then pierce it victoriously with a spear, and send it home to glorious England for schoolchildren everywhere to devour with glee. Oh, what a life I shall lead."

"And I suppose I'm to follow you and swoon at your manliness?"

"Ah, but of course, Moony, my old bean. Who better to play my damsel? And where would I be in the deserts of the middle east without your grammar?"

"Probably stuck in quicksand." Remus eyed him, picking up his bag.

"Exactly! It would be a harsh life, with no Moony to ply for sexual favours with bags of his favourite sand. I would surely perish."

"That you would." Remus smiled, the two of them heading down to breakfast, along with the other few stragglers. "And then who would hunt down the deadly pudding as it goes 'WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE' and hunts down innocent children with it's.... wobbliness?"

"Hundreds of innocent children would be wobbled to death."

Remus nodded. "I guess you'll just have to take me with you."

"That I shall. I will pick you up and throw you over my shoulder in a display of supreme manliness, and you shall squeal femininely and wear a frock. And then I shall carry you to the Middle East, where we will make sweet sandy love under the roof of our pudding proof tent."

"Oh Sirius, your future is so enticing, I feel I may swoon right now!"

"Swoon away, sweet maiden, for soon your swooning will be mine alone, for no other man to defile with his filthy swoon lust."

"Oh Sirius, you know only your swoon lust could satisfy me and my swooning." Remus grinned.

"And that is as it should be." Sirius nodded, sitting down next to James at breakfast. "Morning, Prongsey me old sausage."

"Morning Padfoot. What madness have you two come up with this morning?"

"I am going to the middle east to be a pudding hunter, and Remus will come with me and swoon and correct my grammar, and we will make sweet sandy love all night long."

"Sounds like an exciting life. Will you need a best friend to come along?"

"But of course! Every adventurer needs a Dashing And Manly Sidekick. As long as you don't try to steal my bird - that's Moony."

"I would never steal your Moony Bird, I'd bring my own sweet Lily Flower. And what's this about being a sidekick? What happened to companion?"

"Oh alright, I suppose. The Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Adventurer shall bring his Dashing And Manly Companion, and his English Librarian Bird to the middle east to go pudding hunting with him. It will be a glorious adventure!"

"What about Lily and Pete?"

"Ehmmm..." Sirius frowned. "Lily can be the Dashing And Manly Companion's Blossom Of Desire. And Peter can be our Supremely Wonderful Pudding Eater."

"Sounds like him all over." James grinned.

"Where is Peter?" Remus asked, then took another bite of his toast.

"Bathroom. He should be back any minute." James said. And my Blossom Of Desire is nowhere to be seen! My heart truly bleeds."

"You've only been dating three weeks, you prat." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"And I miss her every second we're apart." James said dramatically. "My Blossom Of Desire is my true reason for existing, chasing pudding is merely something I do on the side for fun."

"Dashing And Manly Companion! I doubt your commitment to our bold custom of chasing down the vicious pudding monsters! Think of all the children who will be wobbled to death if you're too busy existing for your Blossom Of Desire!"

"My apologies, Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Adventurer. I had forgotten the children! May my flesh be flayed with the sharpest of whips, and rubbed with saltwater."

"If that's what gets your rocks off." Sirius grinned. "Morning Pete." He added. "We're all going to the middle east to kill pudding."

"Sounds like a plan." Peter smiled. "I can't see Remus killing anything though, least of all pudding. He loves it almost as much as chocolate."

"Exactly, so he's going to marry me, and watch me killing pudding handsomely and swoon with all his might. And you can be our Supremely Wonderful Pudding Eater."

"Sounds like a jolly good plan. I suppose we'll have to bring Lily too. Otherwise James'll just wither and die."

"My Blossom Of Desire is my reason for living, as is saving children in peril from being wobbled to death by pudding." James said nobly.

"We're bringing the Blossom Of Desire. Heh heh heh! BOD!" Sirius snickered.

"What?" James blinked.

"B O D. Bod. Lily's your bod."

"Oh. Ha ha Sirius."

"She's got a bloody nice bod."

"She's behind you, and is about to smack you one, Sirius."

Sirius looked up. "Oh shit. Morning, Bod."

Lily slapped him. "You know Sirius, if you'd just left it, I wouldn't have had to do that." She slid into the other seat next to James. "Morning, James. What brand of nonsense is it today?"

"Oh, this and that." James shrugged. "You know. I'm a brave, Dashing And Manly Pudding Killer."

"That you are." Lily smiled, and kissed him. "I take it that the joint Marauder imagination is in full swing this morning?"

"Oh, it's swinging." Sirius smirked, and Lily glared at him.

"What? I'm not after you, I've already got myself an English Librarian Bird, AKA Moony." He beamed, swinging his arm around Remus.

"Charming." Lily rolled her eyes. "And I suppose this masterful plan of yours involves the two of us swooning around while our manly manly men run off and do Daring Things, hmmm?"

"That'd be right, Blossom Of Desire." Sirius smirked, somehow managing to look debonaire, even with jam on his cheek. Remus wondered faintly how he did that.

"I'd rather do the Daring Things, to be honest." Lily eyed him. "James can stay home with Remus - sorry, English Librarian Bird - and swoon and knit and such, and I'll be the Dashing And Manly Pudding Killer."

"But my love!"

"Face it James, I'm much better at Daring Things than you are, and you're much better at swooning."

"She's got you there, Prongsie." Sirius grinned, and James laughed. "You're a swooner alright."

"As long as Lily my Dashing And Manly Pudding Killer will come home and make Sweet Sandy Love to me all night long."

"Of course, my Blossom Of Desire." Lily kissed him softly on the cheek. "Why sandy love though?"

"Oh, that part's just Moony's not-so-secret fetish." Sirius said around a mouthful of egg.

"Disgusting, Sirius." Remus said gently. "And yes. There's nothing sexier than sand."

"Moony said sexy!" Sirius jumped back in shock, pointing at Remus. "The world as we know it is coming to an end!"

"Sexy." Remus grinned. "Sexy sexy sexy. Bum arse tits. I do swear sometimes, Sirius."

Sirius didn't hear, he was too busy covering his ears with his hands and screaming "LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

Lily giggled. "I don't think he heard you, Remus."

"James!" Sirius gasped, grabbing onto his friend's arm. "JAMES JAMES JAMES SAVE ME FROM MOONY! HE'S SAYING THINGS AN ENGLISH LIBRARIAN BIRD SHOULD NEVER SAY!"

"Breasts." Remus said with relish, grinning wickedly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius howled, collapsing to the floor and clutching his heart, the very picture of a dramatic death from too much swearing. Remus, James, and Peter just ignored him. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Did you finish Professor Finley's essay, Remus?" She asked, picking up her fork again. "I had trouble with some of the equations, we've never done anything like this before."

"I know." Remus sighed. "It took me ages to work it all out. I'm still not a hundred percent sure what he's trying to teach us, but I think I have the gist."

"ARGH ARITHMANCY IS EVEN WORSE TORTURE THAN REMUS TALKING ABOUT TITS!" Sirius rolled on the ground, clutching his head in horror. "MAKE THEM STOP, JAMES!"

"Sorry Padfoot, too busy swooning over Lily's Dashing And Manly Adventures." James smirked, dropping an apple on Sirius' stomach ("Oof!" said Sirius.) "Feel free to entertain yourself down there though."

"Oooh, a ball!" Sirius grinned, rolling it along the floor, eyes fixed on it. Lily eyed him.

"What are you, a dog?"

The three Marauders at the table exchanged looks, but Sirius just laughed. "Yes I am, a big old shaggy dog. Scratch behind my ear?" He offered her his head, and Lily laughed and scratched him.

"Good doggy. No sticking your nose up my skirt."

"Awwwww." Sirius pouted. "That's the best part of being a dog!" He scratched at his neck dog style, with his hand.

"Sorry mate, but you know I'd have to kill you." James sighed.

"Oh darn. I'll resist then, I'd hate to be such a bother."

"Awfully decent of you, old bean."

"What what." Sirius grinned, sliding back into his seat. "Cheerio, pip pip!"

"Tally ho!" James beamed. "I say, old watermelon."

"What say you, my old pipe?"

"I say, this toast is simply the most scrumptious. I must send my compliments to the elves."

"Hear, hear!" Sirius grinned. Remus rolled his eyes.

"God, they'll never stop with the stupid accents now." He rubbed his eyes. "Class can't come soon enough."

"Moony, old petal! What is all this nonsense you're spouting?" Sirius gasped.

"You two are never gonna stop with the stupid accents now."

"Well if it's that much of a problem, I'll drop the accent, but not the old sausage thing. I think I'll keep that, my old spring roll."

Remus rested his head in his hands gently, and James laughed.

"Well played, old pumpernickel!" He clapped his hands together pompously. "Shall we head to class?"

"Indeed. I tire of breakfast, my old sock. Let us set sail for Charms!" Sirius beamed.

"You lot can sail, my old pencil cases. I have a canoe!" James made canoeing motions with his arms, pulling himself along towards the stairs to Charms. "Come on, old goldfish!"

"Can't argue with the man's logic." Sirius shrugged, and set off in his own canoe, getting into a race with James as they drew close to the door out of the Great Hall.

Lily shook her head. "Why did I ever agree to go out with him?" She asked quietly.

"I find myself asking almost exactly the same question on a regular basis." Remus smiled, picking up his bag. "Generally speaking though, it's more fun when James and Sirius are around."

"Oh." Lily giggled. "Do you... erm... do you mean you and Sirius are...."

"What?" Remus jumped. "Oh no, no. We just joke. But no. I meant asking why I ever became friends with them. It's still perplexing to me."

"Fair enough." Lily smiled knowingly. "I suppose you're right, about it being more fun. I don't think I've ever canoed out of breakfast before." And with a last smile to Remus, Lily began rowing her own canoe furiously, to catch up with James.

000

"What ho, old lacy-knickers?" Sirius grinned, sitting down next to Remus in the common room that afternoon. "Had a good boring time in Arithmancy?"

"Yes. I would offer to tell you about it, but you wouldn't care, and you'd just spend the whole time calling me 'old girls blouse' instead." Remus sighed, lying down with his head on Sirius' lap. "I am exhausted from a full day of being a nerdy, studious English Librarian Bird type."

"As you should be, old girls blouse. I won't have any wife of mine having energy at the end of the day. You must work your fingers to the bone I tell you, to the bone!"

"But then how am I supposed to use them?" Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius shrugged.

"I dunno, but be careful when you're getting me off, old lipstick. I don't want your skeleton fingers touching my downstairs."

"Fair enough. I'll start working on making my toes more dextrous."

"As it should be." Sirius nodded. "Whatever dextrous means." He added.

"You seem pretty wiped too." Remus commented idly. "You're not trying to set my head on fire."

"Hey, that only happened once." Sirius protested. "But yeah, I am kinda tired, old puff of perfume. I think I need to sleep more."

"Fair enough." Remus smiled. "Does this mean that tonight I'll get to sleep without being kept awake by the sound of you playing with yourself?" He smirked.

"Come on Moony, you know I do that in my sleep. You can't fight it. But you know, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, old satin bra. Heh heh, beat 'em."

"No thanks, old wanker. I'd rather get some actual sleep thanks. Besides, I don't have leather McGonagall to keep me company."

"Oh, be still my pounding heart. You've gotten me all excited, old woman. You may have to move your head soon, or at least start doing interesting things with it."

"Eurgh." Remus rolled his eyes, sitting up straight. Sirius took the opportunity to put his own head in Remus' lap instead. "Ha."

"You tricked me, you bastard." Remus eyed Sirius, fiddling with his hair idly. "I may have to yank this out as punishment."

"NO!" Sirius yelled. "Not my glorious, glorious locks! Kill me first!" He swooned as well as one can when already lying down, and Remus smiled.

"I suppose I'll have to let you off the hook then, since that was such an excellent swoon. Before long, you'll be taking my place as the swooner, and I'll be... what was it? The Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killer."

"You would make a good Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killer." Sirius smiled dreamily. "I wouldn't make a good English Librarian Bird though, I'd set fire to all my books and jerk you off with my skeleton hands."

"Ah, here's the arson at last. I wondered what was missing from this conversation." Remus rolled his eyes.

"I don't see what''s so wrong with that - fire is pretty, and books are boring. Pure logic."

"In your own little world, maybe." Remus rolled his eyes. "No, I think I'll have to stick to being the English Librarian Bird. You can remain the Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killer."

"Have at, foul pudding!" Sirius grinned, then frowned. "No. Not foul pudding. Delicious, splendid, and oh so creamy pudding. Much better. Have at, delicious, splendid, and oh so creamy pudding!" Sirius grinned again, and thrust at invisible pudding with his arm. "I will cut you down like the blob you are."

"Ooooh, I shiver and swoon at the sight of your Devilishly Handsome And Androgynousness." Remus smiled. "I feel I shall faint with the genderlessness of it all."

"As you should." Sirius nodded. "This is exactly how things should be."

"Yes it is, old bean." Remus smiled.

There was a period of silence, in which Sirius stared into the dying fire and listened to the last people leaving the common room, and Remus played with Sirius' hair, and thought about his Defence homework.

"Marmalade." Sirius said suddenly.

"Indeed." Remus nodded. "Any particular reason?"

"None whatsoever. Quite simply, marmalade."

"Fair enough." Remus nodded. "Quite the intellectual conversation starter, marmalade."

"So orangey." Sirius agreed. "And ever so delicious. Moony, I want some marmalade."

"Then go to the kitchens and get some."

"But my head is too comfortable in your lap." Sirius whined.

"And what am I supposed to do about this predicament?"

"I dunno." Sirius shrugged. "Turn into marmalade."

"Ohh, of course. I should have realised. Poof! I'm marmalade now." Remus said dryly.

"You don't feel like marmalade. You feel like squishy were-boy."

"Charming. No, I don't feel like marmalade. I was joking."

"Aww. Dammit. You're never marmalade."

"Cruel of me." Remus nodded. "If it's any consolation, you're never marmalade when I want you to be either."

"That is a blatant untruth!" Sirius yelped. "I am always marmalade. I am all marmalade all the time. I'm a bloody marmalade admiral!"

"I... I actually have no response to what you just said." Remus said, faintly aghast.

"I shall sail the seven jam seas in my marmalade frigate, waging war on all toast who opposes me! You shall be my English Librarian Marmalade Wench, and wear a beautiful dress and we will make rough, gooey love all night long."

"Oh god." Remus sighed. "Could you maybe make up some fantasy one day where we don't make some kind of love all night long?"

"Moony!" Sirius gasped, leaping upright as though ashamed for his head to be touching Remus. "Blasphemy! I suspect that making love all night long shall always be a part of our future! And as all night is half of the day I can imagine it would be a rather large part. Heh heh, large part."

"Of course. How could I have ever said otherwise?" Remus rolled his eyes, and Sirius replaced his head.

"Much better. I almost had to disown you for a second there, Moony."

"God forbid." He rolled his eyes. "I would hate for that to happen."

"As it should be." Sirius nodded.

"When are we going to sleep though, if we're making rough, gooey love all night long?"

Sirius eyed him like he was crazy. "Have you ever seen marmalade sleep, Remus?"

Remus pondered this. "Fair enough, I suppose. But let me throw this back. Have you ever seen marmalade make rough gooey love all night long?"

Sirius smirked and cocked an eyebrow. "Just check your toast this morning, Moony my dear."

"Gnah. I am never eating marmalade again."

"I have an admiral's hat that says otherwise." Sirius waggled his eyebrows.

"But marmalade doesn't ea-" Remus began, and then; "Oh."

Sirius laughed. "You're so naïve sometimes, Moony my love muffin. It's why I long for your marmalade so."

"That's nice, but I believe it's time for bed." Remus stood up, letting Sirius' head hit the sofa.

"And sweet rough gooey marmaladey lovemaking?" He sat up hopefully.

"No, just sleep I'm afraid. No sweet rough gooey marmaladey love until I see that admiral's hat." Remus folded his arms and smirked.

"Fair enough, I suppose. I wouldn't do me either until I saw the admiral's hat."

Remus laughed. "Come on, Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killing Marmalade Admiral, let's get some sleep."

"As you wish, English Librarian Werewolf Marmalade Bird." Sirius smiled, leaping up and taking Remus' arm.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Yay! Chapter 2! These are going to be pretty bloody long chapters, but that's the way the story works best, I suppose :) Oh, and for the record, this story is going to span an esssssstimated six days, each day will be a chapter, beginning with what Remus dreamed the night before. _

_Ohh, and this? This is I think my favourite chapter so far :D (So far as in out of what I have written in total, not out of what I've posted.) The mental picture of Remus's freak out, and James feeding him? Too amazing!_

_Warning: Slash, swearing, sexual references, ect._

_Disclaimer: I do not own them :O JK Rowling does._

_Dedication: Melita, my tea zombie cupcake flatmate-to-be. Atria, my RP sister. Matthew, my husband times three. Andrea, my movie-with-maker, and kidnapper of me. Hannah, who I love. A lot. Thank you all :)_

**Brotherhood**

"Well. This is odd." Remus said, and his voice echoed off the walls of his pudding prison. "Very odd indeed. I don't think I like it."

"Why ever not?" Sirius asked, stepping through one of the walls and making the whole room wobble dangerously. "I suppose it could be because we've both been wobbled by one of those dastardly puddings in the middle east. We're trapped inside a massive cube of pudding for all eternity."

"Oh god. Let me out!" Remus shrieked.

"Nonsense!" Sirius grinned. "Now we have all the time in the world to make our sweet gooey love!" He swept his admiral's hat dashingly off his head and bowed formally.

"I... what?" Remus blinked, then looked down to find himself in a rather old fashioned dress. "Oh bollocks."

"Indeed, my love." Sirius smiled, straightening up, now in full admiral wear. "We must make use of them at once."

"Wha? Oh. Oh. Sirius, no. I don't fancy losing my virginity to you, especially not while trapped in a giant cube of pudding, wearing a dress. No offence mate, I just don't feel that way about you."

"Oh. I see." Sirius pouted, then he grinned. "Playing hard to get, are we?" He tackled Remus, and they hit the floor and bounced wildly.

"Sirius, get the hell off me!" Remus shoved at him. "This isn't funny anymore Sirius, fuck off!"

"That's what I'm... gneh... trying to do!" Sirius grunted, fumbling with Remus' skirt.

"No Sirius, stop it!" Remus shoved at him, and Sirius crawled back up to lie right over Remus. Remus blushed. He did look very handsome like that, all flushed and panting and aroused, eyes sparkling with lust, hair surrounding his face, lips looking so... what? Remus stopped himself. What the hell was he thinking? He opened his mouth to say "Fuck off Sirius, this isn't funny anymore. Let's just try to find a way out and never speak of this again," but what came out was...

"Kiss me."

And Sirius did, gently, romantically, and Remus found himself kissing back, sliding his hands up Sirius' muscular arms and along his side to his back, pulling him closer. What came next all blurred into itself, and Remus couldn't quite tell what was happening, but oh god, it felt so good. So very, very...

000

"MOONY!" Sirius yelled right in his face, and Remus awoke to the sight of Sirius' face right in his, arms on either side of his head, legs straddling his stomach.

"ARGH!" Remus yelled, flailing wildly and throwing Sirius off.

"Jeeze Moony, I was just waking you up. Were you having a bad dreamy weamy?" Sirius made a baby face.

"Fuck you." Remus panted, and Sirius looked shocked. "Yes. Dream. Very bad. Excuse me." He got up and headed for the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

"It's perfectly normal, it's perfectly normal. It's just because we're a group of very close friends, very close male friends, ha ha ha, and we live in close quarters, it's perfectly natural and normal and I have nothing to worry about because even if I was dreaming about it it doesn't mean that I want to do it... ha ha ha do it oh god I am going insane right now and why did I ask Sirius to kiss me? Oh god I am insane. But no it is perfectly perfectly normal and there is nothing strange about this at all and Sirius has probably had dreams about me oh GOD what if Sirius has had dreams about me? Does that mean that he wants to... no, no, because I had a dream about him and I don't want to... do I? No no no no no I do not because I like girls and not Sirius and this is all so very wrong oh god oh god." Remus paced the bathroom nervously, wringing his hands and absolutely, absolutely refusing to glance downwards, already knowing what he would see there, but not wanting to face it yet. "I think I am going to have a shower, yes, ha ha ha, very very cold shower, and forget that this ever happened and then everything will all be alright again and Sirius will never ever know I had a dream about him and I will never ever know if he had a dream about me because I do not want to know and I will not ask because that would be disgusting and wrong, yes, yes, oh so very, very very very wrong and oh my god I have gone mad and I am going to get into the shower and stop talking and think about Herbology." Remus removed his shirt as he spoke, then risked glancing downwards and wished he hadn't.

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh dear. This is so very very very very wrong indeed oh Merlin." Scrunching his eyes, up, Remus very carefully removed his pyjama bottoms, then turned on the shower as cold as it would go and stepped inside.

"Aaah! Aaah! Oh god that's cold. Okay. Herbology. Professor Sprout. Professor Sprout naked. Naked and rubbing herself with mud. Naked and rubbing Professor McGonagall with mud. Oh fuck. Professor Dumbledore naked and rubbing Professor McGonagall with mud? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." He hit his head against the wall. Unbidden, an image of Sirius the way he had looked straddling Remus in his dream meandered back into his head, and Remus gasped, then groaned. "Fuck off fuck off fuck off. Go away. I don't want you there. Fuck, he's gor... NO! McGonagall doing Dumbledore up the arse with a strap on? Oh god. Ohhh god."

Not wanting to think about what he was doing, even less why he was doing it, Remus slowly reached downwards, eyes scrunched closed.

000

"Finally Moony, bloody hell!" Sirius grinned, when Remus emerged in a towel, having forgotten to bring clothes in his haste. "I was beginning to worry that a shower monster had eaten you! The view is certainly worth the wait though." Sirius smirked, lounging on his bed looking oh god so handsome but NO mustn't think these thoughts. Remus squatted down to grab his clothes, then went and got changed behind his bed.

"What's the matter, Moony? Are you okay?" Sirius asked concernedly, sitting up.

"Nothing! I'm fine, fine, finey fine, fine and dandy. Why wouldn't I be?" Remus laughed, tripping over his trousers and cursing.

"You're kinda flighty... Sure everything's okay?"

"As okay as a pudding cube! Oh god oh god I did not say or think that shut up please Remus."

"Ummmm..." Sirius blinked. "I get the feeling I'm missing something here. What's going on?"

"Nothing at all and especially nothing involving you and nothing involving me say what do you think's for breakfast?"

Sirius got up and walked over to Remus, who shrieked slightly. "Remus. Something is wrong. Please tell me, I'm worried."

"Ahh... umm... No, it's nothing. Nothing at all in any way. I'm just full of energy."

"And that in itself is strange. Remus, I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Sirius sat down on Remus' bed and folded his arms, staring up at his friend.

"Oh balls." Remus sighed. "I mean not balls please do...." He sighed again and flopped down next to Sirius, feeling distinctly shirtless. "I had... fuck. I can't believe I'm saying this. I had a... a dream. And there was me and..."

"OH!" Sirius grinned. "That's adorable! Your first wet dream! Don't worry Moony, everyone has them. Just whack one off before breakfast, and it's a jolly good time had by all."

"NO! No, that's not what worried me, Sirius. God you're an idiot. I'm seventeen, I've had wet dreams before. No I mean, it was... it was the person. And.... okay, you can't tell anyone this, not even James or Peter and maybe I shouldn't tell you because I am insane and this is so wrong oh god."

"Was it McGonagall? Don't worry mate, we've all been there, just sit back and enjoy. She's a right fox, isn't she?"

"No, no, it was a friend of mine, but this friend is beyond off limits, and I don't even think I like h... them that way, but it felt really good, like, REALLY good, and I am insane."

"Was it Lily?" Sirius asked, and Remus blinked.

"What? No, no, no. Much more off limits than Lily. So very very wrong oh god."

"Bloody hell, no one's more off limits than Lily! You're mental!"

"Oh no, there are people more off limits. So much more off limits. I should definitely not be having this conversation with you. Oh dear."

"Moony, it's fine. You can tell me anything, you know. Even if your secret love muffin is Dumbledore or something." He paused. "It's not Dumbledore, is it?"

"What? No, don't be gross. It... oh balls, I can't tell you. I know I can tell you anything Sirius, but not this."

"Okay Moony, I guess I'll start with the basics... were they our age, or older, or younger?"

"Our age. I'm not doing this."

"You bloody well are. Close friend or acquaintance."

"Close friend."

"Male or female?"

"..." Remus sighed, putting his head in his hands and doubling over.

"Ahhh. Here we are." Sirius nodded. "It was a guy, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Remus sighed.

"One of us?"

"Yeah. I'm not telling you who though."

"Fair enough." Sirius nodded. "It's normal. I think we've all had the dreams. Do... do you actually have feelings for whoever it was?"

"No! I mean... I don't... no. No that's wrong. Look Sirius, this is probably nothing, I don't need any big psychoanalysis thing, it was just a dream, something normal, like you said. I wonder what's for breakfast." Remus jumped up and headed for his trunk, rummaging for a shirt.

"Do you love him?" Sirius asked quietly.

Remus stopped dead mid-rummage. "I.... I love all of you. You know that. You're my family."

"You know what I mean." There was something dark about the way he said it, and Sirius wasn't looking at Remus.

"I... No. No. That's - that's gross and wrong and I'm not a poofter!"

"Remus!"

"Look, I just. I can't have this conversation. It's just... it's too much, okay? I have to go have breakfast. So do you. And you can joke with James about being marmalade admirals or something and everything will be normal and this never happened, okay?" Remus didn't wait for an answer, just turned tail and fled, clean shirt and tie in his hands.

000

"What's wrong, Moony? James asked as Remus sat down next to him. "Where's Sirius?"

"I don't know. Why would I know? I'm not his wife. I mean his mother. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" Remus sighed, and whacked his face dully on his thankfully empty plate.

"Ohhhhhhkay. Do you want to talk about it?" James asked calmly, buttering toast for Remus.

"No. Because you'll behave just the same way Sirius did and oh gods I bet he was disgusted by me and he never wants to see me again and I hate my life."

"I.... think I may have missed something here." James blinked. "Care to share?"

"Well I told Sirius something and it's something kind of strange that I'm freaking out about and then he started freaking out and now Sirius hates me." Remus told his plate.

"Sirius could never hate you. He adores you. He's probably just doing some complicated Sirius thing, and he's going to snap out of it any moment and start shoving marmalade down your trousers."

"That would be the problem." Remus sighed. "Oh fuck it. James, I can tell you anything, right?"

"I will not judge, and will take the information to my grave." He nodded.

"Well. I had. I cannot believe I am doing this again.... I had a wet dream last night. About... about Sirius."

James blinked, twitching slightly. "And you told him that?"

"No! I didn't want to tell him anything but he kept asking me questions, and eventually I told him it was one of us and I didn't want to talk about it, and he got all weird and started asking if I was in love with him. I mean, the guy I had a dream about. Which was Sirius, but Sirius doesn't know it was Sirius. And I ran away and now I'm here."

"I see." James said slowly. "Sirius seemed weird?"

"Really weird. He was all quiet and mysteriousish and I think I grossed him out."

"And are you?"

"Am I what?"

"In love. With him."

"OH! No. No. I don't think so. No. That's... that's wrong."

"Most people would say the same about your furry little problem." James raised an eyebrow.

"Bu-" Remus stopped. "Okay. But... No. I don't think. I. No! I don't fancy Sirius! You're being ridiculous, James!"

"Okay, I was just asking. Here. Get your head off the table, and have some toast."

"Does it have marmalade?"

"Of course." James smiled. Remus groaned, and thumped his head on his plate again.

"What's wrong? You like marma-ohhhh. There was marmalade involved last night, wasn't there?"

Remus hit his head on the plate. "I would explain, but Sirius' mind is too twisted."

"Fair enough." He slid the toast onto his own plate, buttered a fresh slice, and stuck it in Remus' mouth. "Now chew. I won't have your stomach growling all through our morning classes."

Remus chewed obediently, then swallowed. "Thanks James."

"No problem." He smiled. "You realise though, that when Lily inevitably breaks up with me because I'm such an idiot, this means you have to be the one to comfort me."

"Dammit." Remus smiled. "There's always a catch."

"Never expect anything for free." James nodded. "Unless you're getting it from Narcissa." He added. Remus laughed.

"Morning guys." Peter smiled, sitting down opposite them. "Where's Sirius?"

Remus groaned and hit his head on his plate again. "Don't mention him. Just pleeeease don't. Uggggghhhhhhh."

"Argument?" Peter asked, heaping scrambled eggs onto his plate.

"Of a sort." James shrugged, buttering Remus another piece of toast. "Did you see Lily when you were coming down, Pete?"

"Nope. She's always late down though. Doing makeup and girl things." Peter shoved his fork into the mass of scrambled eggs and put it in his mouth.

"Fair enough." James sighed. "I wish girl things were quicker."

"If girl things were quicker, I wouldn't look half as nice." Lily smiled, sitting down next to James. "Where's-"

"Firstly, don't mention him, or Remus might melt through the table." James said calmly, sticking a piece of toast into Remus' mouth. "And secondly, you will always look exactly as lovely as you do right now."

"Mmm." Lily smiled, kissing him. "You've never seen me first thing in the morning. And what's with Remus and... you know?"

"Guy stuff." James shrugged. "Can't really explain. No need to worry."

"Looks pretty worrying." Lily arched an eyebrow, watching Remus chew, face still on his plate. He swallowed, and spoke with a sigh.

"I'll be fine, Lily. I just... Ugh. Sirius didn't even fucking do anything. I mean... obviously he did, but... ah fuck it."

"Sure?" She eyed him.

"It's fine." He nodded, scraping the plate against the table. "More toast, James?"

James obliged without a word, putting the toast gently into his friend's mouth.

000

Sirius didn't show up until halfway through Charms, their second class of the day. When Professor Flitwick asked where he had been he merely said "Slept in," before sitting down next to James and staring blankly through most of the lesson. After class, James dragged him out of the room straight away, Remus watching them go confusedly. He went to breakfast with Peter, and waited for James to come tell him what happened. He was surprised when, halfway through lunch, Sirius came in and sat next to him.

"I have been a twat. I have been a whole BARREL of twats."

"Sirius..."

"No, I have been more than a barrel of twats. I have been a whole armada of twats, sailing out from the port of arseholery and out into the seas of being-a-complete-berk."

"Sirius..."

"'But no!' I cried. 'We must not be a git to Moony! Moony is our English Librarian Bird, and we must treasure him, for who else will make sweet gooey love with me all night in my twat armada?' but the twats said 'screw you, titface.' and fired their dickhead torpedoes and total cock harpoons at you."

Remus was unable to hold back his laughter. "Sirius..."

"So am I forgiven?"

"Of course you are." Remus beamed. Sirius grinned, and bear-hugged Remus, almost lifting him off his seat.

"Moooony!"

"Ack! I need to breathe, Sirius!" Remus choked.

"Fair enough." Sirius smirked. "I need to eat. I skipped breakfast because of you, you know. Bloody famished." He said lightly, shovelling food onto his plate.

"Well that was a bloody stupid thing to do. Why not just go down to the kitchens?" Remus asked, helping himself to some buttered scones.

"House elves get annoyed if you come down at mealtime. I've tried it before, they just snap at me to get up to the great hall and shove me out. Their hands are really at an unfortunate height, you know."

"No I didn't. Nor did I want to." Remus glared at him.

"Well, now you do, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"You could obliviate me?"

"No can do I'm afraid, my lad. Eating." And to demonstrate, he shoved an entire sausage in his mouth at once.

"Ew." Remus scrunched his face up. "Never ever do that again."

"Haggwah." Sirius said with supreme effort.

"Poignant." Remus nodded, taking a bite of scone himself. "Blargh."

"Gwuffyhungweh?"

"Hulglah."

"Nice to see there's intelligent discussion going on here." Lily smiled, sitting down opposite them, with James. "That's really rather disgusting."

"Bwagweeah!" Sirius said gleefully, and she pointed her wand at him.

"Watch it, or I'll hex that food to stay there forever."

Remus swallowed massively. "But then you'd have to look at it every time you talked to him."

"I wouldn't mind a Sirius free life." She shrugged. "It'd make things a lot less gross."

"And a lot more boring, my pet." James reminded her, touching her shoulder lightly.

"I can live with it. And please don't ever call me your pet again."

"Fair enough, pumpkin."

Lily shuddered lightly, and turned to Remus. "So you guys made up? What was all this over, anyway? I don't think I've ever even seen you say bad things about each other before."

"Oh... it was just a thing. And there was that time we weren't speaking in sixth year... That was over something way more serious though."

Sirius nodded. "I did some stuff I shouldn't have. I still think you should have hanged me off the Whomping Willow, Moony."

"And I told you it'd be too hard to get close enough. I'm still trying to come up with a punishment horrific enough."

"You could grate me with an electrocuted cheese grater and then eat me on toast?"

"Where am I going to get an electrocuted cheese grater?"

"Just ask Filch! Tell him you're using it on me, and he'll be happy to help!"

"... Tempting. Possibly. Got anything better?"

"Ummmm... transfigure me into a Scouser?"

"Oh come on Sirius, you know you can come up with something more interesting than that. Try again."

"Uhhhh use my balls in one of your famed exploding potions?"

"Sirius, you're not even trying anymore. All the spark's gone out of our relationship. I'm sorry, but I think we should start threatening other people."

"But... but... I thought you loved me!"

"I did, but lately you don't seem to care at all when we banter! It's all become too routine for you, hasn't it?"

"That's only because you refused to use those toys I bought!"

"Those things looked like they were gonna kill me! Of course I wasn't gonna use them!"

"You were supposed to use them on me, you twat! You never beat the crap out of me anymore. Not the way you used to..."

"I just don't have the energy for it, you're not making any effort to make me want to anymore!"

"Remember that one time... with the cucumber..."

"Oh yeah." Remus smiled reminiscently. "You screamed like a little girl."

"It was magical."

"I'm sorry for what I said my love. Care to reenact it?"

"I thought you would never ask." Sirius beamed, and Remus took up a cucumber and started belting him across the head with it. Sirius laughed wildly, getting up and running between the tables for the door, Remus racing after him and whacking him whenever he got close enough. Eventually Remus managed to tackle Sirius and pin him, beating him with the cucumber while he laughed hysterically. They stopped when the cucumber snapped in two and hit the face of Professor McGonagall, who was glaring at the two of them.

"My love!" Sirius cried, wiggling out from under Remus.

"And what exactly are you two doing?"

"Reliving fond memories." Sirius smiled, and she raised an eyebrow, somehow managing to look stern and irritated even with bits of mangled cucumber dripping down her face.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor. Each! As seventh years, I expect the two of you to know better and not disturb lunch! Especially you, Mr. Lupin, a prefect!"

"I'm sorry, Professor." Remus said, getting to his feet and helping Sirius up. "It was just kind of... a thing."

"Well I expect you to ensure this 'thing' never happens again." She snapped, and returned to the head table, conjuring a napkin which she used to clean her face. Sirius and Remus returned to their table, both laughing.

"What was that all about? I think I missed about eight tenths of that conversation." Lily said as they sat down.

"You must have missed the great cucumber duel of '76." Sirius said solemnly. "It was a monumentous occasion in which Remus and I duelled in the Great Hall with cucumbers, and when he knocked my weapon out of my hand, he proceeded to beat me senseless. Remus actually managed to send me to hospital wing using only a cucumber."

"It was the crowning achievement of my school career to date." Remus nodded. "What a glorious day that was."

"Pomfrey almost died laughing when I told her what happened." Sirius agreed. "It was amazing."

"The look on her face." James agreed, grinning. "Remus just about broke Sirius' nose. It was probably the best day of her career."

"Just about? He did break my nose, you twonk! It was gushing blood and all bent at a funny angle and everything. It was brilliant."

"I am a fruit ninja." Remus said, squinting his eyes dangerously.

"Cucumber's not a fruit, you prat, it's a vegetable!" James said.

"It's a fruit. It has seeds." Remus said. "Besides, you were in hospital the day of the almighty Duel Of The Grapefruits."

"That was a fun one." Sirius grinned. "Those things are hard when they hit you in the head though."

"I know, you were unconscious for about five minutes afterwards. I almost took you to hospital, but then you woke up and slapped me with a banana."

"If you've ever wondered where I get my brain damage..." Sirius smirked, and pointed to Remus.

"He deserved it." Remus shrugged. "How was I supposed to know I'd create a monster?"

"You all secretly love me. Some less secretly than others." Sirius winked at James.

"Buggar off. I've got a bird now, I don't need you anymore. Go make violent cucumbery love with your English Librarian Bird."

"Maybe I will." Sirius smiled. "How about it, pet?"

"Go eat a cock."

"That was the general idea." Sirius smirked, waggling his eyebrows.

"Nevertheless, the answer is still no."

"Bugger."

"Not that either."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with fresh killed pudding on top?"

"No no no no."

"Pretty please with fresh killed pudding, and a twat armada led by a glorious marmalade admiral on top?"

"No no no no no no no."

"Pre-"

"No."

"Bu-"

"No."

"Remusisawesome."

"Yes."

"Dammit!"

"Mwahahahahaha."

"You're too quick for me."

"Which is another reason to say no. You can never keep up."

"Hey!"

"Or keep it up..."

"OUCH!"

"Imagine how I feel."

"You're a filthy liar."

"And you're a shitty lover. I don't think I want to be your English Librarian Bird anymore."

Sirius gasped. "Moony! You can't say that! What about everything we had?"

"I'm just not feeling it anymore, tiger. Our marriage is practically a sham already, I can't keep doing this."

"But what about the cucumber fight we just had! Didn't that mean anything to you?"

"It was just one last go before I left, I'm afraid."

"Don't go, Moony! I can try harder! I can be better! I'll do anything, please stay!"

"Hmm. Jump up and down."

Sirius obliged.

"Do a twirl."

And again...

"Pretend you're a bunny."

Sirius snuffled and stuck out his teeth and flapped his hands on top of his head.

"Sleep on my feet tonight to keep them warm."

"I do that anyway!"

"He does." James confided in Lily.

"Alright, you can stay." Remus sighed, as though making some great sacrifice. "I've kind of gotten used to having you around anyway."

"Yessss! I can stayyyy!" Sirius jumped up and down gleefully, and hugged Remus. "Oh Moony, you've made me the happiest androgyne in the world!" He kissed Remus on the cheek.

"Gross, Sirius." Remus wiped his cheek. "Is androgyne even a word?"

"I have no idea." Sirius shrugged. "But it is now!"

"Fair enough." Remus said. "Now sit down, bitch!"

"As you command!" Sirius grinned. "We should buy me a collar!"

"Maybe. We'll see." Remus smiled.

000

"Rawr." Sirius smiled, sitting on Remus' feet as he got into bed. "Your fuzzy hot water bottle awaits."

"Did James mean that, about you doing this every night?" Remus asked, closing the curtains around his bed.

"Only some nights." Sirius confessed. "Remember when we were younger, and I used to crawl into your bed when I got scared? I never really stopped doing that... I just sleep on your feet as a dog now instead of next to you. I'm up before you so you never notice, and it helps me sleep. I don't like sleeping alone."

"I wish you'd told me, but that's fair enough." Remus smiled, snuggling down. "Now hurry up, my feet are cold!"

"As you wish." Sirius smiled, and Remus felt his form shift on his feet, then the skittering of claws along his side, and a warm, rough tongue on his cheek.

"Goodnight to you too, Padfoot." He smiled, falling asleep.

_A/N: Woot! And now review responses!_

_The Girl Of Many Fandoms: XD thank you! Your review seriously made my entire week XD_

_HinataHguya-NarutoLover: There isn't gonna be a sequel I think, because I still have to think of an ending for this one XD Here's the next chapter though :)_

_HMxEB4ever: lol it just seems like the sort of completely random thing the Marauders would do to me XD_

_bloodydarkwolf: Hahaha your review had me giggling all day. I did so enjoy that bow, although the sweet, marmaladey love would be awesome too :) I suppose I'll have to find someone else to make sweet, sticky, marmaladey love to... -sigh-_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Ohai! Moar story! :D That last chapter had just about the cutest ending I have ever written, and I think I may die of it. Nevertheless, here is your glorious Next Chapter!

Ermmm I was going to edit this chapter, because I didn't want them together this fast originally, but then I read it, and it's so damn sweet I had to keep it. But from here on in I'm going to be changing the chapters quite a bit from what I wrote in NaNo, because I was panicked and I think there's a bit where Remus rants for like 5000 words about what he's having for lunch, and I don't really think you want to read that :L

Warning: Slash, swearing, sexual references, ect.

Disclaimer: Jay Kay Rowling!

Dedication: Melita. Nurr nurr tea nurrrr Atria. OH GOD RP SIRIUS IS SO ANNOYING XD. Matthew. Or should I say MANthew. Andrea. Dreams of Caramel, and Anus Kittens. (Anus Keteen?) Hannah. I love my boyfriend x3 Tee hee. These people are brilliant and amazing.

Note: When they're passing notes in class, the italic conversation is between James and Remus, the bold one is between James and Sirius. Partway through James just gets cut out of the conversation lol. Awww. It makes sense to me, but I wrote it, so I dunno how readable it is if you're not me... I think it kinda makes sense if you follow it carefully.

**Brotherhood**

"Oh christ." Remus Lupin found himself aboard a ship of some kind, the sort you see in pirate stories. He felt a strange compulsion to head for the captain's cabin and did so, wondering why the ship was entirely empty, yet still sailing along quite steadily. He entered the cosy room and found...

"Oh SHIT. You."

"Me." Sirius confirmed, with an elegant, devious smirk. He was in admiral gear yet again, and actually looked quite dashing.

"No, we can't do this again. I'll have to kill myself if we do."

"Well well, we can't have that, can we?" Sirius was still smirking, and it was seriously unnerving Remus.

"At least I'm not wearing a dress this time." He sighed, at once accepting the inevitable as Sirius began walking towards him and wrapped gentle arms around his waist. Remus felt a familiar twitch in certain areas as their lips met, and one of Sirius' hands slid downwards.

"Mmm... no, no, this can't happen again! This goes so very, very far beyond wrong!"

"I don't see any part of you but your mouth protesting." Sirius said, still with that insufferable smirk. "Come on. You can't tell me you're hating this..."

"Oh GOD! Yes... I mean no... I mean... Oh fuck, do that again."

"I'll do even more." Sirius said, drawing close yet again.

"Mooooony!" Sirius called, bouncing up and down happily on Remus' feet.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Remus yelled, his top half toppling out of bed, while his feet remained trapped underneath Sirius.

"That was some rather explicit pontagration right there." Sirius smiled.

"Pontagration?" Remus blinked. "What the heck is pontagration?"

"I couldn't remember any fancy words for swearing, so I made one up." Sirius grinned. "Isn't it neat? Pontagration. It's my favourite word of the day."

"I think it means something already. Anyway, get off my feet. I have to uh... piss."

"Happened again, did it?" Sirius said, unnaturally calmly, as he released Remus' feet and sent him crashing to the ground. "Heh..."

"Yeah." Remus blushed. "Ummmm... excuse me."

"You are duly excused to go wank, my fine fellow!" Sirius said cheerily, but as he closed the bathroom door, Remus saw a dark expression on his face.

000

"Feel better?" Sirius said cheerfully when Remus emerged, flushed scarlet from embarassment. Remus could see he hadn't moved at all though, and there was a fakeness to his smile.

"Yeah. And also slightly dirty. And can you just not do this?"

"What?" Sirius blinked.

"Pretending you're all fine. I know this is pissing you off, I don't know why, but if it is, I'd rather you act like it is rather than acting like everything's fine."

Sirius sighed. "Did you ever consider I might need to pretend I'm all fine?"

"Why is this affecting you so much anyway? It's not really anything to do with you."

"So it's not me you're dreaming of?"

"What?" Remus blinked. "Sirius, I'm not telling you that."

Sirius jumped up and strode over to Remus quickly, face inches from his, frozen in a snarl. "You know you can tell me anything. You can at least tell me if it's me, James, or Peter."

"Sirius, back off!" Remus took a step away from him. "What the hell has gotten into you? Why are you taking this so personally? I had no idea you were so homophobic!"

There was a shocked pause as they both realised what this implied.

"So... are you gay then?" Sirius asked, sounding now shocked rather than angry.

"No! I mean... I don't think so. This is all making me doubt it so much. I don't think I'm gay, but when I'm asleep, it.... it feels like I am. Or something. Fuck, I don't know!"

"Maybe you're bisexual?" Sirius offered.

"What? No... I don't think so." Remus sat down on the end of Sirius' bed, and Sirius joined him. "It's really confusing. In my dreams it's not really about gender, it's all about... er... him. The way he smiles, and the way he walks, and the way he talks. It's... it's intoxicating, almost."

"You sound like you're starting to fall for him." Sirius' voice had gotten dark again.

"God Sirius, don't do this! I'm not falling in love with a man in my dreams, that's completely ridiculous!"

"I mean the real him. You don't notice things like that about someone you don't love."

"You're sounding like quite the expert." Remus eyed him.

"Yeah." Sirius sighed, lying back on his bed. "I've got a lot of experience in loving someone who's completely fucking clueless."

"O...oh. Who is...er...it?"

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours." Sirius sat up slightly and eyed him.

"Fair enough." Remus shrugged. "At least give me a hint."

"No hints."

Remus smirked slightly. "Our age, older, or younger?"

"Our age. You're cheating."

"Close friend or acquaintance?"

"The closest."

"Male or female?"

"Fuck you."

Remus very nearly said "You already did," but he managed to hold it in. "Me, James, or Peter?" He said instead, far quieter than he had intended to. He was suddenly aware of himself trembling very slightly.

"Like I said." Sirius said shakily.

"So... I suppose you would be an expert then."

"Yeah. I figured it out a few years ago, when the same thing started happening to me. It's been killing me for so long, but there's no way I could ever tell anyone."

"Oh." Remus said softly.

"Alright fine. I'll say one person it's not if you will." He sat up again.

"Deal."

"Not Peter.

"Not Peter either."

"Thank god, I was worried you had some freaky fetish for flabby ratboys." Sirius suddenly grinned, a real, genuine grin, and Remus was so relieved he almost cried.

"Same here. No offence to Pete, but he just isn't that desirable."

"I know what you mean. But CHRIST, have you ever seen Kingsley Shacklebolt, that sixth year, without his shirt on? PHWOAR!"

Remus laughed. "No, I'm not on the quidditch team, remember."

"Ahhh, I'll sneak you into the changing room next time. D A M N."

"So... you're gay then?"

"As a very very gay pencil." He nodded. "After all, when's the last time you remember me taking up with a bird?"

"Umm..." Remus had to think about this. "Carol whatsername, in fourth year."

"Yeah... I broke up with her about a week after I started having the dreams, it was driving me mad. I... what?" Sirius stopped, because Remus had started laughing hysterically.

"Sorry, sorry, it's just... I had my first wet dream about her."

Sirius laughed. "Really? She was my first, and thus far only, snog. And look at us now. A couple of flaming poofters."

"The flamingest." Remus agreed.

"So you think you're...?"

"I... I think I might be." He blushed and smiled. "It's a bit weird, as a thought."

"I know what you mean. I blew up my bed when I figured it out... I'm more used to it now, but at the time... it was the scariest thing in the world."

Remus nodded. "Know the feeling." He smiled, and Sirius smiled back. There was a brief moment, where Remus thought almost... almost maybe... but then Sirius coughed and looked away.

"So uhhh... how about that breakfast, eh?"

Remus laughed, somehow slightly disappointed. "You realise you have to tell me now, right? Me or James."

"No. Not telling you. No way."

Remus grinned wickedly, tucking his disappointment away. "It's James, isn't it? I've seen the way you look at him. It's cute!"

"No! I mean... It's... er... Go on then, tell me yours."

"It's... well..."

"Ha! Not as easy as you thought, is it? Go on!"

"It..." Remus paused, considering a mad, mad, deeply mad idea. "I am deeply mad." He said, and then kissed Sirius.

Sirius froze for a second, then relaxed into the kiss, shifting his hand onto Remus' waist and kissing back. Remus had no idea what he was doing, he had never kissed anyone before, but he found himself leaning closer, wrapping his arms tentatively around Sirius' neck and drawing him nearer still. Sirius seemed to be responding well, tightening his arms around Remus' waist and deepening the kiss, using his tongue to gently open Remus' mouth. Remus just went with it, surrendering control to Sirius utterly as Sirius' tongue brushed his. Remus brushed back, and then their tongues were dancing slowly together, and oh god oh god, Remus never wanted this to end.

"Wow." He said when they finally parted. "That was much better than the dreams."

"Like a million times." Sirius agreed, grinning and flushed.

"So... uh.... how about that breakfast?"

"Mmm, I say we skip it." Sirius smirked, drawing close again.

000

_**Where the bloody hell have you berks been?**_Read the notes James passed to both Sirius and Remus in their first class of the day, Transfiguration. Even though they were sitting side by side, they each sent him a separate note back.

_Resolving some things. _Remus's read cryptically, while Sirius was more blunt.

**OH MY GOD HE KISSED ME JAMES HE KISSED ME!**

_Oh really? DO go on!_

**OH MY GOD REALLY?**

_That disagreement from yesterday is OFFICIALLY over and dealt with. _Remus smiled as he wrote.

**YES JAMES I AM NOT HALLUCINATING THIS TIME, REMUS LUPIN ACTUALLY KISSED ME OF HIS OWN FREE WILL I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.**

_Moony, that wasn't going on at all. What happened?_

**THAT IS VERY EXCITING AND SOMEWHAT GAY AT THE SAME TIME.**

_Don't pretend Sirius didn't tell you. I'm sitting right next to him, you know James. I can read your conversation._

**I KNOW AND NOW HE IS SITTING NEXT TO ME AND READING THIS NOTE AND BREATHING ON THIS NECK THAT KEEPS MY HEAD ON MY BODY AND DO YOU THINK MCGONAGALL WOULD BE UPSET IF I KISSED HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HER CLASS?**

_Well, congratulations, you fucking faggot. No really, I mean it. Good on you._

**I don't know, but the shouting is hurting my head. **

_Thanks James. Oh and Sirius? I know you're reading this. If you try to kiss me in class, or anywhere public, I will stab you in the testicles._

**James, Moony is threatening my junk. Make him stop. **

_Sirius, I am truly grieved that you made me threaten your junk at all. One day, I would like to use that junk of yours (NOT today, Captain Horny.) and would rather it was not damaged beforehand._

**Make him stop yourself. WITH YOUR LIPS.**

_James Potter, you are a twat._

**Remus, meet me in the corridor behind that witch with the weird skin condition after class. **

_Can do._

000

James, Sirius, and Remus all sat down at the exact same time at lunch, all staring at each other. "So." James said.

"So." Sirius agreed.

"Fucking poofters." James grinned, and Sirius grinned back.

"You're a bloody breeder."

"Better than being a fag."

"Babies."

"Aids."

"Fair enough." Sirius grinned. They lapsed into silence as Peter and Lily sat down, Lily kissing James on the cheek.

"Where were you two at breakfast?" She asked. Sirius glanced at Remus, who blushed and smiled.

"Oh, just off having a screw." Sirius said lightly, and Remus choked.

"Sirius! We weren't. Well, okay, we were, but we were also sorting out the whole thing from yesterday."

"Mmm, I think we need to do some more sorting out." Sirius whispered in Remus' ear, and Remus giggled.

"Uhhhhuh." Lily eyed them. Remus saw the need for a quick save, and jumped in.

"Well, I woke up and there was Sirius on my bed, wearing that beautiful admiral's hat of his, and I realised I couldn't stay mad. Likewise, he saw me in all my sleepy scruffyness and realised he simply could not do without my hideous face. We made sweet, sweet love on James' bed."

James choked. "You bloody didn't."

"You've got a squeaky spring." Sirius grinned maliciously.

"NOOOOOO!" James cried.

"YESSSSSS!" Sirius grinned.

"NOOOOOO!"

"YESSSSSS!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Well, if you insist..." Sirius grinned, and James glared at him.

"Cunt."

"Yes please!" Sirius grinned. Remus laughed, watching him and marvelling at how natural and easy hiding was to him. With an internal sigh he supposed he had better get used to it too, and stuck on the laugh. It instantly became easier though as he felt Sirius' hand slide up inside his own and lace their fingers together. That made it a lot better.

"You guys are gross." Lily rolled her eyes. "Why the hell am I hanging out with you?"

"You couldn't resist my sexy, sexy body?" James offered. Everyone else laughed loudly, and James glared at them.

"You bunch of ballbags! I was being serious!"

"No, I am!" Sirius grinned, and everyone laughed again.

"Oh shut the hell up." James folded her arms and sulked. "Go make sweet faggoty love with Moony or something."

"Well maybe I will!" Sirius said, standing up and acting like he had just grabbed Remus' hand to pull him up too. "Come on, Remus."

Remus only protested feebly as he found himself being pulled out of the Great Hall by Sirius, and off to the nearest bathroom.

000

"How do you do that?" Remus asked, when the two of them parted for air.

"Well, I take my tongue and kinda-"

"Not that, you prat. The hiding. You're so bloody good at it, it doesn't look like you're even trying."

"I've had years to get it right, remember? What about you, you're as calm as a really really calm Llama."

"Don't be stupid, Sirius. Llamas aren't calm. They spit on people."

"Don't avoid the question." Sirius stuck his tongue out.

"I assure you, I am screaming on the inside. Screaming and screaming and screaming. And then screaming some more for good measure."

"You're amazingly calm. I blew up my bed, remember."

"I don't think it's quite hit me yet."

"Ah."

"Know what would help it hit me?"

"I thought you would never ask."

000

"What the hell are they doing?" Lily asked, back at breakfast. "Sirius and Remus, I mean. They've been gone a long time."

"Probably screwing." James shrugged lightly. "Or they're waiting outside the Hall for us to come look for them, and they're gonna jump out and yell 'Boo!' Last time they did that, Pete was so shocked he hit his nose on the door and broke it."

"Bled everywhere." Peter nodded. "Like a fountain."

"A glorious fountain of crimson pain." James agreed. "Sirius and I stripped off and danced around in it like children."

"They wanted me to leave it broken, so they could play in it. They just tackled Remus and covered him in blood when he pointed out I wouldn't bleed forever."

"Moony had to hex us to get us to take him to hospital." James grinned. "What a day that was."

"What a day indeed." Peter nodded.

"Sirius and I got detention with Filch for leaving Peter bleeding. That man is a sadist. He beat us so damn hard! I still have a scar."

"So do I." Peter raised an eyebrow, pointing to the dark smudge on the bridge of his nose that was all that remained of the break.

"Mine is bigger." James stuck out his tongue.

"Bite me." Peter stuck his out in response.

"Watch out, or I'll take you up on that one!" James laughed.

"My teeth are sharper." Peter warned.

"Ah, but I can trample you!" James said gleefully!

"I think I missed something..." Lily said faintly.

"It's a really long story." James explained. "I'll tell you one day."

"You'll tell her?"

"Well. Moony will have to help. And make the decision about telling her. We can't say anything without his permission."

"Oh joy. Another Marauder Secret? I thought I knew them all."

"All but one." James assured her. "And this one's the biggest. To tell the truth, Sirius, Pete and I aren't even supposed to know. But we're all kind of involved now. It's this whole big thing. I've already said too much, really. Moony will have to tell you the whole story one day, but until then I can't tell you anything else."

"Not even if I kiss you for it?" Lily offered.

"Not even then."

"Must be a big secret then."

"Like I said, the biggest."

"Fair enough, then. I wouldn't expect you to betray your friends for me."

"I love you." James smiled, kissing her.

"I know you do." Lily smiled warmly. From where he was watching, Peter could already see that they would be together forever.

000

"Mmm... Sirius, we should get going. Peter'll be expecting us to be outside the Great Hall, waiting to yell 'Boo!'"

"Let him expect. Sirius Black lives up to no expectations."

"What about mine?"

"Not even yours."

"I expect you to kiss me!"

"Well you will just be disappointed, I'm afraid, my good chum. I kiss no man who expects i-Mmmph!"

"..."

"..."

"How was that for unexpected?"

"Very good, actually. I may make an apprentice of you yet."

"Apprentice? English Librarians are no Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Person's apprentices!"

"Very well. Trainee?"

"Partner in crime."

"Very well. Tally ho!"

"..."

"..."

"Sorry Sirius, but I'm afraid I was expecting that."

"Oh cock. Wasn't it at least a little bit exciting?"

"Not in the least. I'm afraid that as your partner in crime, I have acquired the ability to predict your movements."

"Really? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yes."

"NO!"

"Didn't you just have this discussion with James?"

"NO!"

"Oh shut up."

"..."

"..."

"Mmm... You're very good at that, by the way."

"Really? That's good. I was slightly worried I wasn't very good. I'm not very experienced, I'm afraid."

"Oh really? Who have you kissed besides me?"

"...Well, nobody. Well. Nobody by choice."

"What? Who's been kiss raping my bit of fluff?"

"It... oh god. It was the worst moment of my life. Your cousin, Bellatrix. I think she was drunk. She tried to snog me."

"OH GOD. I am queasy now. How on earth did you manage to fend her off?"

"The way I fend off all of my foes. I said 'Umm... errr...' a lot, followed by something about homework, and then fled for my life."

"Atta boy, Moony. That's my girl."

"How can you say atta boy, and then call me your girl?"

"I'm Sirius Black, that's how."

"I did know your name, actually, Sirius. Funnily enough we've met before."

"Oh, have we? I had no idea. How embarrassing."

"It's alright, I didn't recognise you at first either. How have you been?"

"Pretty well, actually. I've started seeing this top notch bloke, it's rather wonderful."

"Really? That's nice. I'm seeing someone rather wonderful myself, as it happens."

"..."

"..."

"We are very, very good at that. I think we should do it more often."

"Mmmm. I definitely agree."

"Such as right now?"

"..."

"..."

000

"Where the hell have you wankers been?" James asked as Sirius and Remus rounded the corner to the greenhouse, clasped hands concealed by their robes.

"Ah, wankers would be the operative word there, Prongseypoo. Moony was just giving me a hand job in the bathrooms."

Remus elbowed Sirius. "Peter and Lily aren't here, you prat, you don't have to pretend."

"Well, it wasn't far from the truth." Sirius shrugged. Remus elbowed him again.

"So I take it you knew Sirius liked me before today."

"Yeah, I was the one he talked to when he was figuring it out. Bastard blew his bed up, then almost blew me up." James grinned. "You're very calm by comparison, Moony."

"Just had this conversation with Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes. "It hasn't exactly hit me yet, but I am screaming inside. Besides, I've spent the past two mornings in a blind panic, so at least some of my freaking out is already over and done with."

"Always the efficient one, my lad." Sirius smiled, nuzzling Remus gently and giving his hand a squeeze.

"You know me." Remus smiled.

"Sure you should be nuzzling in public?" James raised an eyebrow.

"Nobody else is here yet." Sirius shrugged. "I reserve the right to nuzzle Moony all I want."

"If you're going to start nuzzling, I'm skipping class."

"Hey Moony! Why didn't we think of that? Skipping class!"

"Sirius. Think of who you're talking to. English Librarian Birds never skip class." Remus said, affronted.

"Of course. What was I thinking?" Sirius smiled. "Your Devilishly Handsome Yet Androgynous Boyfriend apologises humbly."

"Boyfriend?" Remus half-smirked. "Where did this come from? I don't remember any actual asking out happening recently."

"Sod you." Sirius glared at him.

"Ask nicely first." Remus smiled angelically.

"Fine. "Moony woony, my lovely wovely snuggle cuddl-"

"I asked you to ask me out, not make me nauseous." Remus rolled his eyes. "Get on with it."

"Fine. Be my boyfriend?"

"Absolutely." Remus smiled, kissing him quickly on the lips a mere second before Professor Sprout rounded the corner.

"Morning lads." She smiled. "Just the three of you here? Righto, in we go. The others will turn up soon enough." She unlocked the greenhouse and guided the three of them inside, where their attention was taken up entirely by the repotting of Venomous Tentaculae.

000

"Aaaahh, evening. Padfoot And Moony Time."

"Indeed it is." Remus smiled, lying down on the sofa next to Sirius and resting his head gently in his lap. "This is really comfortable, you know.'

"I know. That's why I do it to you all the time." Sirius grinned, running his fingers lazily through Remus' hair. "You're better at the hair thing though. Weird, since my hair is amazing and your hair just happens to be there on top of your head."

"Mmm... I'd say you're pretty good at the hair thing, nonetheless."

"Because I am the king of all things Hair." Sirius said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"That you are. But unfortunately, your Majesty, you're digging yourself into an even bigger hole. Because now not only will you have to produce an admiral's hat before I will sleep with you, but you will have to produce a crown as well. And find some way to get them both onto your head at the same time."

"Damn. I knew there was some catch to being royalty. There's always a catch." Sirius pouted.

"Indeed there is." Remus sighed. "In fact..." He looked around to make sure the common room was empty of everyone but them. "Catch!" He grinned, grabbing Sirius' shirt by the collar, and pulling him down for an awkwardly positioned, but nonetheless very nice kiss. When he pulled back, Sirius was grinning.

"You are insatiable, you know? I must say though, that was quite the nicest catch I've ever had."

"I had noticed. It's rather out of character for me. Usually I'm more the type to go 'Ummm... Errr...' and never get any."

"Oi! You stole my line! You bastard!" Sirius said, astonished. "How dare you?"

"I'm cruel and horrible." Remus smirked amusedly.

"You are. No more kisses for you."

"Sirius, darling, I know you. That isn't going to last long."

"It is. Just watch me."

"I'm watching."

Their eyes locked, and neither boy moved for almost a minute, before Sirius moved down and kissed Remus thoroughly.

"Alright, fine. I am weak of will, and you are too sexy for your own good."

"Mmmm... I'd say it's definitely for my own good." Remus smiled warmly. "Come here."

"Nuh-uh. Not unless you feel like moving. That's a way too awkward angle. Too much of an awkward angle? MOONY! GRAMMAR!"

"Too much of an awkward angle is fine." Remus smiled. "And no, I'm not moving. This is really comfortable."

"Thighs make the best pillows." Sirius agreed, and there was a short, comfortable silence.

"This is really nice." Remus commented. "I thought this would be much scarier, but it's not much of a change. It's just... nice."

"You thought about this?" Sirius said, surprised.

"I never stop thinking. English Librarian Birds are always thinking, you should know that."

"But of course." Sirius smiled. "I imagined this too. Being with you. It feels like I've imagined it a thousand times, it's so hard to believe it's actually happening. Here. Now."

"I know what you mean. I haven't imagined it a thousand times... maybe ten, in the course of the past couple of days. It's amazing though."

"Yes it is." They fell back into silence, Sirius playing with Remus' hair lovingly, Remus staring into the fire.

"I love you, you know." Sirius broke the silence. "I have for years. I don't expect you to love me back right away, I know this is all really new to you, but I thought you should know."

Remus sat up so that his legs were still across Sirius' lap and looked him straight in the eye. "Sirius Orion Black, I am fairly sure that I have loved you for as long as I have known you." He smiled and wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck, kissing him softly. When they parted, Sirius smiled warmly.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that." He beamed, a glint in his eye Remus had never seen before. "Or how badly I've wanted to say it to you."

"Well now it's all really happening. For real."

"Still doesn't seem real."

"Ah, but it is."

"Is it? Or are you just a hologram? Perhaps you're a figment of my imagination, sent to torture me into insanity."

"Why would anyone want to torture you to insanity? Besides, you're already a lunatic. Remember that time you set the whole Great Hall on fire?"

"Oh yeah." Sirius laughed. "It was the first day of fifth year, and all the First Years came in to find this blazing inferno. That one was a classic."

"It was very wrong." Remus frowned. "Their faces were priceless, but you still shouldn't have done it."

"Fair enough. As long as you're with me on the faces. They were so terrified!" Sirius laughed gleefully. "I think Rebecca Finnegan wet herself!"

"You are a cruel man."

"And you love me. What does that say about you?"

"I have horrible taste. I should really be beating you right now."

"Oooh, yes please!"

"Ugh. Sirius, please stop with that. Unless you really do have some freaky fetishes I need to know about."

"You'll find out when you show some tit."

"Sirius, I'm not a girl. I don't have tits."

"Guess you'll have to wait and see." Sirius grinned. Remus glared at him.

"Guess I'll never be finding out."

"No! Moony! You're a guy, you don't get to withhold sex!"

"Sirius, we're not having sex in the first place!"

"Ah, not yet. I just haven't managed to talk you into bed yet. But soon enough... yes, soon enough your knickers will be hanging from my bedposts while you cry for more."

"Don't hold your breath." Remus rolled his eyes. "Not with that attitude. And I still haven't seen the hat OR the crown."

"You will soon enough, my petal. I don't whip out the hat for any old bit of fluff, you know."

"What about for someone you love?" Remus grinned, and stuck his tongue out.

"You bastard. I may just have to eat that."

"You're disgusting."

"You're the one sitting in my lap."

"Shut up." Remus rolled his eyes and got up, pulling Sirius to his feet. "Come on. Bedtime."

"I'm going to watch you sleep, and breathe on the back of your neck!" Sirius said gleefully.

"You'll do no such thing." Remus said sternly, the two of them walking up the stairs to their room. When they got there, Remus began to strip off.

"Woah, Moony! You're just gonna strip?" Sirius blinked.

"It's not like you've never seen me naked before." Remus rolled his eyes, putting his shirt in the washing basket and unbuttoning his trousers. "Come on, this only has to be awkward if we make it be."

"Fair enough." Sirius shrugged, taking off his own shirt and tossing it onto his bed. They got changed in silence, despite the No Awkwardness rule, and avoided looking at each other as much as possible.

"There. Pyjamas." Remus smiled, when he was changed. "Come on." He slid into bed.

"What?" Sirius blinked.

"I'm not going to make you stop sleeping on my bed either. You can sleep next to me if you want. It'll be nice not to have dog hair all over my bed for a change."

"I don't shed THAT much!" Sirius protested, sliding into bed next to Remus, who closed the curtains, and then curling up behind him. "Night, Moony."

"Good night, Sirius. I love you."

Sirius' only response was a gentle lick to the cheek, and warm arms around Remus' waist.

A/N: Yayyy cuteness :D

Ohkay know what is pathetic and kinda paranoid of me? The first chapter of this got 12 reviews, which had me bouncing off the friggin' moon. The second chapter got... 8. And I have been freaking out all week going 'OH MAN I KNEW THIS STORY WAS TOO BAD TO POST I SHOULD HAVE JUST LET IT DIE ALONE WHYYY DO THEY HATE IT?' because I am a pathetic freak, and am incredibly selfconscious about this story in particular. Hence the reason this chapter is a little late; I didn't even know if I wanted to post it anymore. Because as I said earlier; pathetic freak. But then I remembered all the nice stuff that HAS been said about it, (and that Andrea would kill me if I stopped updating XD) and decided to post this anyway.

End rant.

On with the review responses!

ListerineSkulls: lol I have incredibly vivid, incredibly warped dreams every single night, and I sorta tried to convey that odd dream state in my writing, I'm really glad you like them :)

craic_rocker: Ohhh damn. Stuffy librarians are only any fun when they're of the marmalade wench variety. I know the feeling though - I have the horrible habit of reading fanfiction and blogs and the like on the library computer, and having to hold in my laughter allll the time. Bahahaha your review serrriously cracked me up though, and I'm glad I didn't accidentally wind up reading it in the library :) Thank you!

And since I forgot to thank all the people I didn't give personalised responses to last chapter (I love you all though!) big thanks for reviewing to;

twistedbrain, vivienneandfred, xrosiex, .3, Silverone3, Zak's-blood13, RonRulez, and lovefan81

And thanks this chapter to;

The Girl Of Many Fandoms, Shiri Razi, The Miss Marauders, .3, moonfoot13, and RonRulez.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Welllll the plot kinda bounced ahead much faster than I had intended -sweat drop- I SWEAR, I INTENDED TO GO LIKE 40,000 FUCKING WORDS BEFORE THEY GOT TOGETHER! HORNY BASTARDS! Halfway through this chapter I got MASSIVE writers block, and fell behind for two weeks. So when I picked it up again I had a week to write 30,000 words. From here on in I'm editing rather a lot from my original novel, for the sake of not-bad-ness. I've cut out whole conversations from this chapter, but in a couple of places I've put brief notes explaining what was cut, because the characters will make references to it later.

Warning: Slash, swearing, sexual references, ect.

Disclaimer: All characters you recognise belong to Joanne Rowling, naturally.

Dedication: Melita, DIY CUPCAKES! Atria, eheheheh Sirius is a knob. Matthew, your work sucks. Andrea, I think Romeo should be able to fire lasers from his teeth. No real reason. Hannah, Yes, I do have to lick everything actually. I love you.

Note: The songs Sirius sings in this chapter are;

Save The Last Dance For Me, by Aaron Neville. I have the version by John Barrowman on my computer though, it's beautiful and he's beautiful and the whole thing is just a total orgy of beautifulness :D

Can You Feel The Love Tonight, by Elton John. I have both the original, and the John Barrowman versions and they are both SO GOOD and HOLY CRAP GAY MEN CAN REALLY SING.

Oh and I know Lily's freakout is totally ooc but I needed the word count so stfu and read. I TOLD you this was bad XD I am not loving most of this chapter -.-

Spot the massive glaring Red Dwarf reference!

OH SHIT I AM SO SORRY FOR THE MASSIVE WAIT D: As it turns out, I was to spend the week leading up to Christmas with my dad, a fact I was unaware of. My dad does not have the internet. I'm back at mum's for Christmas eve and day, then it's back to dad until some time in the new year. A shame really, since the next chapter is JUICY. But yeah ZOMG SORRY I WAS TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THIS UNTIL MY DAD SHOWED UP AT THE DOOR D:

And, the end of this massive note; THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR REVIEWS LAST CHAPTER :O I was absolutely BLOWN AWAY by the response I got :D You people are AMAZING :) To everyone who thought I was threatening to stop; WAAH sorry for scaring you! I am NOT giving up on this story XD It's all coming out if it kills me! I was just noting the rather large drop in reviews, and see I was paranoid that YOU didn't like it XD I will DEFINITELY post all of this story though... at the moment, it's looking like six chapters total will be postable, with some kind of storyline... maybe seven, depending on how it goes. But yeahh! Now FINALLY it's fanfiction time WOOHOO :D Here, have a chapter that is positively bursting with ENORMOUSNESS WOW THIS ONE IS LIKE 7000 WORDS LONG AND THIS IS THE SHORTENED VERSION O.O

**Brotherhood.**

"Oh. Hi Sirius. What are we doing in this classroom?" Remus asked, looking around. Sirius glared at him.

"I can tell you what we're NOT doing. We're not having sex. Because I lost my crown."

"Well I can imagine it would be rather strange if we were having sex. Or wait. No it wouldn't. No. Yes it would. It would still be rather strange. Sirius, why am I babbling?" Remus asked, looking around.

"Because you're drunk, estupido." Sirius eyed him angrily. "This is a party."

Remus looked around and realised it was, with streamers and balloons and people dancing and drinking all around.

"So it is." He said. "Why are you just sitting there?"

"Because you won't dance with me, Moony."

"Of course I'll dance with you." Remus smiled, getting up and walking over to Sirius. Sirius stood up and slid one hand onto his waist and the other one softly onto his neck. Remus wrapped both of his arms around Sirius and began to dance slowly with him, swaying in time to the illogically slow, calm music. It was really nice, and Remus smiled, pulling Sirius tight.

"Mmm... this is jolly nice, Moony. Jolly nice indeed."

"Yes. Yes it is." Remus agreed, running his hand up Sirius' back. "Feels so right."

"I'm so glad, you know." Sirius smiled. "So very, very glad. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

Remus could think of nothing to say back, he just smiled and kissed Sirius very softly. When he pulled back, they were in a field.

"Why are we here?" Remus asked, letting go of Sirius and looking around.

"Why not?" Sirius shrugged. "It's nice enough, isn't it? And know what I found?"

"What?" Remus asked, sitting down in the calf-deep grass. It was pleasantly cool, with soft dewdrops all along it. Remus found himself smiling for no real reason.

Sirius sat down next to him, and produced a pirate hat from seemingly nowhere. "My crown!"

"That's not a crown, you prat. It's a pirate hat."

"It makes me king of the pirates?" Sirius offered, but Remus shook his head.

"Nice try Sirius, but no booty until I see a proper crown. Do I look like a lady who settles for second best?"

"Not at all." Sirius smiled. "But would you settle for... a rattlesnake?" Sirius beamed, pulling a snake out of the hat and putting it on Remus' lap.

Remus gave an embarassingly high pitched scream. "SIRIUS GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME RIGHT NOW BEFORE I KILL IT AND YOU AND EVERYTHING WITHIN AT LEAST SEVENTY FOUR MILES!" He yelled, curling his arms up to his chest in horror.

"Alright." Sirius shrugged, picking up the snake and tossing it away. "What about a koala? Would you screw me if I gave you a koala?"

"Not for a koala. Definitely not after the snake. Something non-living, maybe."

"A pirate hat?"

"I already told you, no. I don't settle for second best."

"An admiral's hat?"

"At the same time as the crown. You have to figure that one out yourself."

"You are a cruel, cruel love."

"That I am." Remus nodded.

"You're like a muppet."

"I... what?"

"Furry and soulless."

"You're the muppet." Remus rolled his eyes. "A big, fat muppet."

"I am not fat! Sirius yelped. You're fat. A big fat werewolf."

"You're going to die for that." Remus glared at Sirius, then pounced on, him, cucumber in hand, and started belting him across the head with it. Sirius laughed wildly, getting up and running between the tables for the door, Remus racing after him and whacking him whenever he got close enough. Eventually Remus managed to tackle Sirius and pin him, beating him with the cucumber while he laughed hysterically.

"This is odd." Remus said, stopping suddenly. "Weren't we just outside in a field."

"Well, now you're on top of me, in the Great Hall." Sirius waggled his eyes from underneath Remus. Remus rolled his eyes and tried to get off, but Sirius pushed him over and flipped them so he was on top.

"And now I'm on top of you, in the Great Hall." Sirius grinned, leaning in to place a fluttering kiss on Remus' cheek. "Beautiful." He added, after a moment.

"Get off me, Sirius. And don't say it. And beautiful?"

"No, no, yes." Sirius grinned. "The most beautiful person I have ever, ever, ever, ever met or seen or even passed on the street that one time. You are perfect."

"Er... thanks?" Remus blushed. "I'm pretty sure this is a dream, so why are you sweet talking me in it?"

"Because the real Sirius talks in his sleep." Smiled Dream Sirius, leaning in to kiss Remus gently.

"Ah." Remus murmured against his lips. "That would be it." He then melted utterly into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Sirius' neck and drawing him closer, their legs entwining...

000

"Um. This is an interesting way to wake up." Sirius blinked sleepily, detaching his lips from Remus's.

"Erm. Yes. And possibly the awkwardest way ever." Remus responded, hurriedly removing his hand from Sirius' arse. "Erm... erm... So I take it you were asleep too?"

"Very much so. Apparently we sleep-snog."

"Wonderful." Remus sighed. "Er. I er. Have to. Er."

"Woah there, careful Moony." Sirius grinned, seeming to get some of himself back. "Too many ers and erms this early, and you'll never be able to say anything else."

"Bugger you. I mean. Er. Oh gosh, whoever wrote the English Language should be shot."

"Poor bastard was probably run through with a sword."

Remus nodded. "Well as nice as this is... I mean... well actually it's rather too nice... that would be the problem." He turned absolutely scarlet, and Sirius blushed too, something Remus had only seen five or six times in his whole life.

"Oh. Uh... yeah. Sorry about that." Sirius rolled off him, still crimson. "I'll let you... yeah." He laughed nervously. "Probably have to... you know... myself. Bloody hell, I never had trouble talking about this sort of shit before."

"Yeah. Um... yeah." Remus sat up. "I'm just gonna go... erm... yeah." He pretty much sprinted to the bathroom, face redder than it had ever been before.

When Remus emerged, Sirius was lying fully clothed on his own bed, face still faintly red.

"Moony!" He cried exuberantly, jumping up happily. "Come on, breakfast awaits!" He said with a grin.

"You know, when we feel awkward, most normal people just act awkward, not like lunatics." Remus said, unable to repress a smile.

"Ah, but would you love me if I was normal people?" Sirius grinned, taking Remus' arm.

"Probably not." Remus smiled. "So, what's all this about breakfast awaiting again?" He asked, as the two of them headed downstairs.

"Ah, that it is." Sirius smiled. "Eggs and bacon and all manner of toast."

"It sounds simply wonderful." Remus smiled. "Marmalade?"

"All the marmalade you can eat." Sirius nodded. "And I'll even feed you by hand if you want."

"That would be ever so lovely." Remus smiled, kissing Sirius on the cheek quickly before they emerged in the common room, where a few people were still milling about. He didn't worry about the linked arms, they had been doing that for years. Sirius didn't seem to care either, continuing on his spiel.

"Indeed. If you so wish, my darling Moony, I will let you eat scrambled eggs off my stomach, for that is how much your breakfast enjoyment means to me."

"Liar." Remus grinned viciously. "You just want me to eat off your stomach."

"That is merely an added perk." Sirius reassured him. "My main goal is your utter enjoyment of your morning meal."

"Of course it is." Remus nodded sagely, as they headed down some more stairs, and a couple of Ravenclaw girls passed them. The blonde, chubby one stared at Sirius for awhile, then giggled, and ran off with her friend.

"She fancies you." Remus said. "Should I go kill her?"

"Not in the slightest, my lupine beauty. She does not compare one bit to my scarred prince."

"Good." Remus smiled, sneaking a kiss onto Sirius' head when noone was looking.

"You would beat her in a thousand beauty contests. Models would line up for hours to allow you to eat scrambled eggs off their stomachs."

"I see. So you were just slipping your bid in first?"

"It pays to be ahead." Sirius smiled, the two of them reaching the floor the Great Hall was on and heading that way. "After all, if there's a queue of super models all waiting for you to come eat scrambled eggs off their stomachs, where will I be? It's a genuine comfort to know that my stomach is the one you'll be coming home to every evening for your dinner."

"I wonder how stomach steak would taste." Remus mused.

"You can dance every dance with the guy who gives you the eye, and hold him tight." Sirius grinned, beginning to sing. He let go of Remus and slid out in front of him, doing a little dance while he sang. "And you can smile, every smile for the man who held your hand in the pale moonlight. But don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me."

"Sirius, you are absurd." Remus laughed, looking around nervously.

"Oh, I know that the music's fine like sparkling wine, go and have your fun." He smiled, continuing. "Laugh and sing, but while we're apart don't give your heart to anyone. And don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me"

"Sirius!" Remus admonished through helpless laughter. Sirius grinned, and responded by taking Remus' hand with one of his own, and putting his other hand on Remus' waist, beginning to sway the two of them to the imaginary beat.

"Baby, don't you know I love you so, oh, can't you feel it when we touch. I will never never let you go, oh, I love you, oh, so much." Sirius grinned. A few people were staring at them, but most figured it was just the Marauders being idiots as usual.

"You can dance, go and carry on till the night is gone, and it's time to go. If he asks if you're all alone, can he take you home, you must tell no. 'Cause don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me."

"Okay Sirius, fun over." Remus said, smiling helplessly.

"But don't forget who's taking you home!" Sirius continued, regardlessly. "And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me. Save the last dance for me. Save, save the last dance for me." Sirius smiled, dipping Remus as the song ended. Remus squeaked, but went along.

"Okay, okay, embarrassing public spectacle over. Come on, I'm hungry. Your stomach better be clean."

"You could eat your breakfast off it." Sirius grinned, taking Remus' arm again as they continued on their way.

000

"Breakfast bells, those breakfast bells, ringing through the halls." Sirius sang cheerfully as he sat down, James eyeing him warily.

"Oh good lord... Sirius is feeling musical today. God spare us."

"Afraid so." Remus sighed dramatically. "He's already serenaded me once."

"Anything good?"

"Save The Last Dance For me." Remus shrugged. "It was actually really sweet, he did a little dance and everything. A few people kinda stared, but they didn't get it."

Sirius nodded. "Noone but my darling Moony and I know that I was in fact singing about eating scrambled eggs off my stomach. Speaking of which..." He pulled up his shirt, grinning.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I think I'll pass today, Sirius. Maybe later."

"As you wish. As long as you're not ditching me for supermodels." Sirius shrugged, pulling his shirt back down and wolfing down his own scrambled eggs.

Remus smiled serenely, marmalading a piece of toast. "Ahh, but if I was, how would you know about it? I would keep it totally, utterly secret in every possible way."

"How?"

"Because I am Remus Lupin, Master Of The Secrets."

"Ahh, of course." Sirius smiled wisely. "But you forget, Remus Lupin, that I am Sirius Black, Reader Of Remus Lupin Like A Book. If you were eating scrambled eggs off some supermodel I would know, because you would right now be going 'Umm... Err... Ahhh...' and stumbling off to the library where you and your supermodel would clandestinely meet."

"How do you know that, Sirius Black? I might just be very very good at my job..."

"That you might. That you might. But it only took me a few months to figure out your biggest secret, how long do you really think you could keep a supermodel hidden?"

"Depends how long she can hold her breath."

All three of them laughed loudly, and Lily slid into the seat next to James. "Good morning, guys." She smiled. "Any wild adventures today?"

"Sirius feels musical." James sighed, and Lily groaned.

"Oh god... this won't be like last time, will it? I don't think I could stand the sight of you serenading McGonagall again."

Sirius laughed. "Hahaha... she asked for my homework, and I sang All You Need Is Love. It was priceless."

"It was embarrassing. I was sitting next to you." Remus groaned. "We should ban you from singing. Ever."

"You know you would miss me serenading you. Remember You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings?"

"Yeah." Remus eyed him. "As punishment, I didn't help you with anything for a month, remember?"

"Worth it." Sirius smiled. "Life should be like a musical, with pre-choreographed song and dance routines around every corner. Wouldn't that just be so much fun?"

"So much nauseating, you mean." James rolled his eyes. "Bloody poof." He added.

"You just have no sense of fun!" Sirius cried. "Come on, imagine you and Red here are walking through a field, her hair's shimmering in that way you like it, and you're feeling particularly lovey. All of a sudden the two of you sing a romantic ballad the likes of which has never seen, and all the parkgoers get up and dance along. It would be brilliant."

Lily sighed happily, and James stared at her incredulously. "What? You've gotta admit, that sounds romantic, James."

"Even my girlfriend's a bloody traitor." James grumbled, folding his arms on the table and sulking. "I need new friends. Peter! Peter Peter Peter, my new best buddy. Save me from these lunatics. Lily and Sirius wish life was a musical."

"Oh good lord, not this again." Peter sighed, sitting down. "I think the three of us sane people should run away to somewhere exotic, like... New Zealand, or something."

"Ooh, tropical. We could stride across beaches in our togs and comment on the wonders of the Pacific." Sirius grinned.

"New Zealand's by Antarctica, dumbarse." James rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, it's still in the Pacific ocean. So technically - a Pacific Island. We'll just have to stride across the beach in jumpers. So no change from England."

"Idiots, the lot of them." Remus sighed, putting his face on the table. "Sirius, I may have to use your stomach, just to shut you up."

"Oh really?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows. "Choosing me over your supermodels, then?"

"If only to stop you using your mouth."

"My mouth can still move while you eat off my stomach," Sirius pointed out.

"Not if I put an apple in it." Remus said dangerously.

"Point taken." Sirius nodded. "I will stop using my mouth. You're welcome to use it if you like though."

Remus shoved him. "Oh shut up, Sirius."

"Shutting." He smiled serenely, squeezing Remus' hand quickly under the table, and giving him a smile that made Remus melt.

000

((A/N: A friend of mine suggested this, and honest to god, I have NOTHING else. I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm such a loser XD))

"Zomg, I have writers block." Tomo sighed, sitting down at the table. "And I'm tens of thousands of words behind and I have a week left to write. Ughhhh. So tell me... what do you guys want to do?"

Remus and Sirius looked at each other in confusion. "Well..." Remus said, and the scene melted.

Remus Lupin was sitting in the library in a beam of warm afternoon sunlight. There was no sound except the turning pages in his book. Rolling a piece of exquisite chocolate around in his mouth, he smiled softly as Sirius' hands ran gently through his hair.

"What?" Sirius yelped, suddenly back at the table for no apparent reason. "That's so boring! Come on, my turn to make something up!"

Sirius gasped in ecstasy against soft lips as Remus' hand trailed down his bare stomach. The werewolf gave an amused smile, and lowered his mouth to Sirius' again, their tongues brushing softly, Remus' hands moving to either side of Sirius' waist as he pressed their bare chests closer together, not to mention certain... other... parts of their anatomy.

"Sirius!" Remus yelped, smacking him on the arm. "God, do you ever think about anything else?"

"Is there anything else worth thinking about?" Sirius smiled.

Tomo rubbed her face, then winced slightly as she accidentally brushed a fresh piercing. "Okay. Jesus Christ... you guys really aren't making this easy on me."

"And whose fault is it that you're so far behind?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Nobody's but your own. If you had gotten off your... well... ON your arse and written some even a week ago you wouldn't be in this mess, now would you?"

Tomo sighed. "I know. I know. I'm sorry. But I had writers block! And an exam to worry about, and now I have cheerleading... gah, I am so busy! Why am I always so damn busy in November?"

"Why are you always so damn busy, period?" Sirius eyed her. "You almost never write about us anymore!"

"Oh, that's a damn lie!" Tomo glared at him. "What about The Marauders? What about it's sequel? What about all those damn may fics?"

"Which you still haven't finished." Remus pointed out. "And it's November. Tomo - what is wrong with you?"

"RRRRRGH!" Tomo screeched. "Dammit, I have a busy life! I have a girlfriend, and a dance concert to prepare for, and cheerleading, and a band I'm supposed to be in, and fish and a dog to look after, and swimming coaching to worry about and sailing and a new piercing to look after and university next year and it's a lot of pressure, okay! I can't always be thinking about you fictional characters!" She took a breath. "Okay, rant over."

"Okayyyyyy..." Remus breathed. "You win! Hey Sirius... wanna go to the library?"

"I wanna go to bed." Sirius grumbled, folding his arms.

"How do I put up with you?" Remus rolled his eyes, smiling.

"I'm so damn sexy?" Sirius offered.

"Mmm... that must be it." Remus smiled, kissing him lightly. "Either that, or I am deeply, deeply masochistic."

"Ooooh, kinky!" Sirius smiled. Remus smacked him.

"You know what I mean. Don't be a twat."

"Why not?"

"Because if you hadn't noticed, it's not my favourite piece of anatomy ever." Remus said dryly.

"Fair enough. Can I be a cock?"

"Go right ahead, but I'm not kissing you anymore."

"You know you love it." Sirius smiled, trying to kiss Remus, who moved away.

"No. Not kissing you if you're going to be a cock."

"Fine. Feck dich, die schlampe."

"What?" Remus blinked.

"It's German." Sirius grinned. "It means fuck you, bitch."

"Neat." Remus smiled. "But not very productive. After all, if you're a cock, and I'm a female dog... well how much kinkier can this thing get?"

"Oh, I haven't even started on the toys we'll be using yet. Sirius smirked.

Remus rolled his eyes and smacked him again. "You suck."

"Not in public!" Sirius blushed, meeting Remus' eyes. "Darling, I thought you were the one who said no PDAs."

"Actually that was a mutual agreement. And did you call me darling?"

"What's wrong with that, schmoopsie poopsie pumpkin-wumpkin?" Sirius smiled benignly.

"I hate you."

"I love you."

"I still hate you."

"I still love you."

"Feck dich, die schlampe."

"Ich liebe dich."

"Je deteste voux."

"Je t'amie voux."

"NYERGH!"

"I love you, I love you, neener neener neener."

"You are a bad person."

"I love you."

"You need to die."

"I love you."

"You suck Snape cock."

"I love you."

"You're a whore."

"I love you."

"Your... your feet smell!"

"I love you. Although that was pretty pathetic. Come on Moony, where's that cruel imagination I love so?"

"You can go and have all your flesh nibbled off by mutant starfish with aids."

"Much better. I love you for that."

"May your blood be replaced by lemon juice."

"I love you."

"May leeches anally rape your goldfish."

"I love you."

"May a slightly tipsy elephant mistake your mouth for a urinal."

"Gross. But I still love you."

"May gypsies make a home inside your eyeballs."

"I love you."

"May rabid squirrels slice your flesh slowly to pieces using pencils."

"Ouch. I love you."

"May aliens burrow into your body through your bellybutton."

"I love you."

"May you be trampled by a dragon who's just been dumped and gained loads of weight from binge eating."

"I love you."

"May your liver become infested by tapeworms that devour you slowly from within."

"I love you."

"May a giant take a fancying to you."

"I love you. You prat."

"May pirates invade the marmalade ship you're apparently admiral of, and kill the whole crew, starting with you."

"I love you."

"May you become irresistable to women."

"I love you."

"May your skin crack at the top of your head and slowly peel off, the way a banana's does, and then your muscles be pulled apart piece by piece like that stringy cheesy stuff you pull apart, and eaten by French monkeys in pants, who are then trampled by hippos, jealous of said pants. And then your bones and organs become toys for tiny kittens. EVIL TINY KITTENS ALIGNED WITH SATAN."

"Yowww, that was a good one. I dunno if you can top that, my love."

"I don't know if I can, to be honest. May an iron fall on your face?"

"Painful, but not as good.

"May your toes turn into frogs attached to your feet, which all try to hop in different directions."

"That was a good one!"

"May you contract fleas made of lego, with teeth of steel, that are entirely unkillable."

"Ick. Why the lego?"

"Just came to me."

"Keep going!"

"May your mother decide she misses having you around the house."

"Moony! Too cruel!"

"May you be suffocated by a feather."

"I love you."

"May you wake up with breasts... on your knees."

"Urgh. I love you, gross-man."

"May you be ground into a very very fine powder and fed to a celebrity, who then throws you up, and you are flushed into the sewer with all the crap."

"Ewww. I'm not sure I love you after that. Nahhh just kidding I love you."

"May you be magically transported to the day of the dinosaurs. WHERE THERE ARE NO HAIR PRODUCTS."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius yelled in agony, clutching his hair. "YOU ARE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE AND I HATE YOU."

"I love you." Remus smirked.

000

"Moony, Moony, Moony." Sirius smiled, the two of them sitting lazily under a tree, sun beaming down gently through the leaves.

"What is it?" Remus asked in a sluggish voice, having been half asleep, his head leaned against Sirius' legs, a book open on his stomach.

"Can you..."

"Can I what?"

"Can you feel the love tonight?"

"What?" Remus blinked. "Sirius, it's after lunchtime. Oh god. You're going to start singing again, aren't you."

"There's a calm surrender to the rush of day, when the heat of a rolling wind can be turned away. An enchanted moment, and it sees me through. It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you."

"Sirius, shut up."

"And can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are. It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer that we got this far. And can you feel the love tonight? How it's laid to rest. It's enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best."

Sirius planted a gentle kiss on Remus' head, and stroked his hair lovingly. Remus sighed and smiled, surrendering to Sirius' song.

"There's a time for everyone if they only learn that the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn. There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors when the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours."

Remus smiled lovingly, harmonising with Sirius for the next chorus.

"And can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are. It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer that we got this far. And can you feel the love tonight? How it's laid to rest. It's enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best."

"I love you." Sirius whispered, before singing the very last line.

"It's enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best."

Sirius smiled, and kissed Remus softly, their mouths moving in time, Remus' hands finding their way into Sirius' hair.

"EEP!" Someone yelled and they broke apart, looking up in horror to see who had found them.

"Lily!" Remus cried. "Oh Christ... I can explain, I swear."

"Oh god..." She staggered backwards, covering her mouth with her hand. "You... and you... oh god."

"Lily, it's not like that." Sirius insisted. "There is a long and hilarious story to explain what we just did. Believe me."

"There... no. You can't just... oh Christ, that's _sick_!" She stared at them in horror for a second, before turning and running back towards the castle.

"Lily!" Remus cried, jumping up and following her, Sirius running after them.

"Lily!" Remus caught up with her, grabbing her arm and spinning her around. "Just give us a chance to explain."

"You make me sick!" She screeched, slapping Remus, and continuing to run. Remus and Sirius followed her until she made it to the girls dormitory, where they collapsed at the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh god..." Whispered Remus, leaning against Sirius breathlessly.

"She's... going.... to...... tell." Sirius panted.

"She wouldn't. Lily's freaked, but... ooof... she's a good person. She wouldn't go spilling our secrets just because they scare her."

"I hope..." Sirius panted. "I think I am going to pass out on you."

"That would just make things worse, I think." Remus puffed.

Sirius hit him lightly. "Shut up. She can't stay there forever. We just have to wait, and ambush her when she comes down."

"What if she tells someone up there?"

"If she does, we're in major trouble. I don't feel up to sexying them into not telling, and your superpower wouldn't be much use either."

"My superpower is never any use." Remus pouted. "I'm so disgruntled I may have to leave the super group."

"No!" Sirius gasped. "Where would we be without MoonyMan, and his ability to talk for hours without using any words other than 'Ummm' and 'Err'?"

"You're alright, you can seduce the supervillains, and James'll just stab them with his brooms. Peter and I can go form our own not-so-super league, with Stammer Guy and Hiding Bloke."

"Betrayal! I may just have to go sleep around on my wench in revenge!"

"Oh no! My heart, it is surely cracking in two." Remus sighed, swooning. "I will have to go marry my beloved sidekick, Jamesy Mc Jamesalot, and we will run away and live in Tae Kwon Do land."

"Tae who what? Sirius, you make no sense!" Remus eyed him.

"I thought that was obvious. " Sirius stuck out his tongue. "Who would want to elope with James anyway?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"A certain lady up there, who is certainly annoyed with us." Remus shrugged. Sirius nodded.

"Fair enough. I'd say she's not just annoyed though."

"True." Remus nodded. "Well, since we're stuck here for awhile, I'm going to get some reading done." He pulled a book out of his bag, and leaned idly on Sirius, opening it. Sirius fiddled gently with his soft hair, and a silent, contented, yet still tense moment passed. Sirius blinked.

"What are you reading?" He asked, looking at the book.

"Oh... uh..." Remus blushed, and showed him the cover.

"A Wizard's Guide To Homosexuality? Subtle, Moony."

"Actually we're covering the muggle gay rights movement in muggle studies, so I have an excuse." Remus smiled. "It's interesting though - listen to this."

(At this point, Sirius and Remus read about homosexuality, and transvestism/cross-dressing for ages and it was really boring. I can't think of anything to put to fill the gap or at least make it more interesting, so I'm afraid you'll have to live with this placeholder.)

"Shh." Sirius whispered, clapping a hand over Remus' mouth. "Someone's coming."

Remus shoved his book into his bag and the two of them stood up, waiting anxiously for the girl to reach the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh god. I do not want to see either of you right now. Or ever again, come to think of it."

"Lily, please just give us a chance to explain." Remus said, touching her arm lightly. Lily flinched, staring at him.

"Don't touch me!"

Remus withdrew, looking down for a second, before meeting Lily's startlingly green eyes imploringly with his own strange, amber ones. "Lily, please. Just let us talk to you, try to explain. We don't expect you to be instantly okay with everything, or even change your mind at all, just listen to us, let us give you our side."

Lily hesitated. "I... no. You're sick. Keep away from me." Lily's eyes hardened against Remus's, and she whirled around to leave.

Remus sighed, turning to Sirius. "Oh god. We're fucked."

"Yes, we are." Sirius said darkly, meeting his eyes. "We can't let her tell anyone." Sirius moved to follow Lily.

Remus held out a hand to stop him. "If Lily's going to tell people, going and telling her not to will only make it worse. She... god, she hates us. We can't go making it worse. We can't. We're just going to have to deal with whatever happens."

Sirius nodded darkly, and the two of them stood in silence for a moment, then Remus moved forwards, and leaned against Sirius' chest. Sirius wrapped him in his warm arms, stroking his hair lightly.

"I know, I know." Sirius whispered softly, holding Remus and fearing the loss of everything he had worked so hard to hide for years, because he had allowed himself the briefest moment of happiness.

000

It was getting close to dinnertime when it first happened. By that time, Sirius and Remus were sitting on a sofa in front of the fire, just staring blankly into the flames, not saying a word, each lost in his own thoughts. Sirius had taken up his usual position with his head in Remus' lap, the werewolf's hand tangled, unmoving in his hair. Both of them had felt the eyes on them for the past hour or so, and neither was totally surprised when a fifth year boy walked behind them, somehow managing to mutter loud enough for the whole common room to hear. "Fucking fags."

Remus froze absolutely stiff, and the whole common room seemed to mirror him, everyone falling silent, and motionless.

"What did you call us?" Sirius hissed, dragging himself upright slowly, turning to stand facing the boy, a good head and a bit taller than him.

"You heard me." The boy spat. "You and your freak there. You're nothing but a couple of fucking faggots. You should be sent to Azkaban, there you're not gonna run around polluting the world for the rest of us."

"You think so, do you?" Sirius hissed. "You're just as bad as the god damn pureblood elitists. You're Muggleborn, aren't you... Bruce, is it? Maybe you should be kicked of Hogwarts for that. You're stealing our magic, polluting the school for us purebloods."

The boy was temporarily stunned, but a sixth year girl piped up in the background, continuing the argument for him. "I don't see either of you leaping to deny it, though."

"That's because we shouldn't have to. Even if we were gay, it shouldn't make any god damn difference, the way blood type shouldn't."

"Even if? Hah! Lily Evans caught you snogging, everyone knows it."

"I heard they were screwing!"

"Shut up! No, they were trying to seduce a first year Hufflepuff, filthy perverts!"

"I heard..."

"No, they..."

"I don't feel safe around..."

"Well..."

"SHUT UP!" Remus roared, and everyone turned to him, shocked. Nobody had ever, EVER heard the soft-spoken Prefect raise his voice like that before, and even Sirius looked shocked. "Everyone just be goddamn quiet! What business is it of yours what two people who are legally adults, and perfectly entitled to handle their own affairs do in their own personal time? What _right _do ANY of you have to pry into our lives like that?"

"It's fucking illegal to be a queer!" A fourth year boy yelled.

"Well the Ministry can take their bigoted, outdated laws, and shove them up their joint arses. Even Muggles repealed the laws banning it. You know what - fuck it. Yes, I'm gay, and I'm proud of it too. Go ahead and arrest me." Remus flung his arms wide open, waiting for someone to move against him. The whole Common Room merely sat there, stunned by his announcement. Remus glared around at them all, daring them with his eyes to try it.

"Screw it. Let's go for broke." Sirius said, and with a quick, sexy, reckless grin to Remus, he grabbed his boyfriend, pulled him close, and pressed their lips tightly together, kissing Remus passionately in front of pretty much the entire House, who watched in shock, and, in most cases, horror.

"Kapeesh?" Sirius asked, thought it was really more of a dare, as he pulled away from Remus and turned to glare at the crowd once more. "Get over it." He took Remus' hand, and pulled him up to their dorm, the stares of a whole House following them.

"Oh god..." Remus breathed. "Did that really just happen?"

Sirius nodded darkly. "I think it did."

"Oh god." Remus sat down on his bed, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. "What do we do?"

"All we can do is wait for Dumbledore to find out and come expel us." Sirius breathed, sitting down next to Remus and rubbing his shoulders distractedly with one hand. "Dammit, I never had any fucking problem coming up with excuses and ways to hide before this. I let my guard down. It's my fault."

"I seem to recall being the one kissin' you when Lily was there." Remus raised an eyebrow. "Hence; my fault."

"It takes two to snog." Sirius eyed him. "Unless you're sad and make out with your hand."

"Still... wait, what?" Remus blinked.

"Well you make a little mouth shape with your fingers like this, and then stick your thumb through to be the tongue." Sirius demonstrated.

"Uh...huh." Remus eyed him. "Do I want to ask how you know this?"

"James. Fourth year." Sirius explained, and Remus nodded.

"Fair enough. And also ew. I don't think I wanted to ask."

"And yet ask you did."

"No I didn't, I asked if I wanted to ask."

"Whateverrr." Sirius stuck his tongue out. "Now every time you look at James, that'll be what you see. You will know my pain."

"Got rather enough of that for myself, thanks." Remus stuck his tongue out right back.

"Be careful, you'd better keep that inside your mouth, or someone might just think it looks tasty, and come eat it."

"Cheesy much?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"Actually I would think it would taste more like saliva and blood and stuff."

"Gross."

"You love it."

"I do."

"News travels fast." Sirius said, and Remus looked up from his hands, to see James in the doorway.

"I swear to god, I am going to slaughter Lily." James puffed. "How the hell could she do that?"

"I have no idea." Sirius sighed. "But she did, and now we're in the shit. Dumbledore's probably on his way to expel us right now."

"I'm so sorry, guys."

"It's fine." Remus smiled tiredly, leaning on Sirius. "It's not your fault."

"Mister Black, Mister Lupin." Came a tense voice from behind James, and all three boys blinked at the sight of Professor McGonagall, lips thinner than they had ever seen them. "Professor Dumbledore wishes to see you in his office."

"That was faster than I expected." Remus said hoarsely, and he and Sirius got up, heading towards the professor.

"McGonagall, you can't expel them!" James pleaded. "They didn't do anything wrong, they were just being goaded and judged by people, please, Professor."

"This matter is not up to myself." She said blankly, showing no signs of any inclination one way or another.

"Come on." Sirius said, voice as hoarse and hollow as Remus's had been, and they followed Professor McGonagall down the stairs, pausing only to hug James quickly.

A/N: Oh dayum that was a hard chapter to adapt for readability. I only have odd snippets from the next couple of chapters, this is the last one I had fully written (though not in a postable way) and they may take a little longer to edit into a semi-coherant story.

OH MY GOODNESS THAT CHAPTER WAS BAD.

Anyway, responses to my amazing, incredible, amazing reviewers :D

twistedbrain: Nuuuu MY REMUS D: You can borrow him under my supervision :P

Shiri Razi: Thank god XD I was worried noone would be able to understand what the efff I was saying XD

The Girl of Many Fandoms: Hahaha that blood bit... I do not actually remember writing it, I was in a trance of sleep deprivation XD Can't say I know who Nikki Sixx is though, care to enlighten?

RonRulez: Haha I am exactly this way with my friends too, this story pretty much consists of every thought I had over a month, all mooshed together XD

YummyTimeLord: Your reviews have had me smiling like an idiot for ages :] (And Time Lords are yummy XD Mmmm, David Tennant. -drool-) lol I have no idea what they were saying, just communicating in idiot-speak I guess XD

Mercy Brown: Okie, your review was 1) super flattering and filled me with a happy feeling of warmness all day and 2) hilarious, because I read it in my local library, and now I am totally paranoid that the librarians read my fanfiction XD Actually, that would be kinda awesome haha.

mollywot: I am going to acknowledge you specially because I read your review on Christmas eve and I am super excited because it's like getting a present when you get an awesome review, so now I have an awesome review present of awesome :D:D:D:D

And thanks to vivienneandfred, crooked-soul, Kate is too lazy to log in ;D, Zak's-blood13, moonfoot13, SetTheTruthFree, remuslives23, suberXxXduperXxXfun machine, xrosiex, and TeddyBear 8P. I LOVE YOU ALL :D


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